Glen… Beck Bennett
Jenny… Aidy Bryant
Amanda… Cecily Strong
Denice… Leslie Jones
Janet… Melissa Villaseñor
Doug… James Franco
Charlie… Kenan Thompson
Tommy… Mikey Day[Starts with Glen talking to his employees]
Glen: Folks, can I get you to gather over here? Sorry to interrupt your lunch, everyone. I just want you all to be clear that here at Beta Corp, we have zero tolerance for workplace sexual harassment. And all offenders will be trminated.
That being said, unfortunately, we had to fire our CFO Doug Giffer.
Amanda: Yeah. Good riddance.
Glen: And, also our front desk guy, Charlie.
Janet: Not Charlie!
Glen: And if it’s okay, we’ve asked them to come out and formally apologize to all of you before they leave. Come on out here, guys.[Doug and Charlie walk in]
Doug: [sigh] Thank you, Glen. I just want to say to all of you that I am deeply and truly sorry for anything inappropriate that I may have done while working here.
Charlie: Yeah. My bad.
Doug: Janet in particular. I know that I have playfully referred to you as my little honeybee. And it made you feel uncomfortable. And I know now, it was wrong. And I’m sorry.
Janet: It was gross. And you’re gross.
Charlie: [Charlie does not sound serious at all] Janet, I know that sometimes you would walk by me. And I’d be saying something like, “Umm, umm.” Then I’d shake my head, do a little dance, and ask you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It was wrong. I’m sorry.
Janet: [laughing] Charlie, you’re so crazy.
Amanda: Oh, that is classic Charlie.[Doug is confused]
Doug: Um, okay. Um, Amanda, there was one time at a meeting recently where I commented on your dress and your figure and even though I mentioned it was a compliment, apparently, it was still inappropriate. So, for that, I’m sorry.
Amanda: Oh, apparently? Okay. Well, apparently, you still don’t get it. And that’s why they fired your creep ass.
Charlie: Mandy, Mandy, sweeter than candy. I remember I said something about that dress too. I think it was a long lines of, “Umm, umm. Woman, you are thicker than a bowl of biscuit. Why don’t you make Charlie a pair with extra jelly?” Then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It wasn’t appropriate. That’s my bad.
Amanda: [laughing] Charlie, you are just too much.
Charlie: Oh, you know I ain’t got no sense.
Denice: [to Glen] You can’t fire Charlie. It’s just Charlie.
Glen: It was a corporate decision, Denice. My hands are tied.
Doug: Wait, um, Denice…
Denice: What, creep?
Doug: Look, I know that you didn’t like me suggesting to you that you get further ahead in this business if you smiled a little more, but it was just advice.
Denice: Well, it sucked and you suck.
Jenny: Ah! That is legit awful, Doug!
Doug: Okay. I know. That’s why I’m saying sorry now.
Charlie: Denice. You know, at one time, I think I may have suggested that if I was 11 years younger, I’d put you in a large sack, throw you in a truck, drive you to my sister Betty’s house with a big old medical bed, crack open all the window to show you a good old times for 28 minutes.
Denice: [laughing] I guess that’s my loss, Charlie.
Doug: How are you okay with that
Denice: Shut up, man! That’s just Charlie.
Amanda: Yeah. He’s a sweet old man.
Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s the holidays.
Glen: Believe me, I don’t want to. I wish I was just firing Doug too.
Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t worry about me sweet sexy Jenny. Maybe I can get a job at Santa. Then I can sneak down your chimney, tie up your old man, crack open all the windows and give you a 28 minutes present. Umm, umm. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing!
Jenny: [laughing] Thank you, Charlie.
Doug: Thank you? He said he wants to break into your home, tie up your husband and crack open the window for some reason.
Charlie: That’s to getting the funk out.
Doug: Okay, and then, have sex with you.
Jenny: Okay, don’t make it gross, Doug!
Janet: Yeah. Why do you have to make everything sexual?
Amanda: He’s a sweet old man. What is your deal?
Doug: Well, it just feels like you guys are going easier on him coz he’s a charming old black man and he has done way worse stuff!
Tommy: But, he’s Charlie!
Doug: What does that mean?
Charlie: Look, maybe Doug is right. Tommy, you remember that time I met your fine ass wife at the office Christmas party?
Tommy: Of course, I do, Charlie.
Denice: I remember that.
Charlie: And I held her hand up and twirled her around and then I yelled out, “Ain’t no way lil’ bitty Tommy hitting this thing right.”
Charlie: And then, later on, I saw your junk at the urinal and it was a good stuff. So I went back out to the party and I yelled out, “I stand corrected. Homeboy Tommy is packing some heat!” And then everybody laughed.
Tommy: [smiling and nodding his head] Yeah.
Charlie: You think that’s why I’m getting fired?
Glen: Um, no. No. It’s not, Charlie. It actually has nothing to do with sexual harassment. The corporate says they have you on camera stealing $380 in petty cash. Plus, they found half a pound of cocaine in a bag of tiny balloons in your locker room.
Charlie: Oh, okay.
Glen: And you saved a ton of pornography into the lobby desktop in folder marked “Charlie’s stuff.”
Charlie: Oh! So you found that.
Glen: Yeah. And you signed out the company van, reported it was stolen and it was found three days later parked outside of a brother with your keys still in the ignition and your brother asleep in the front wheel.
Charlie: What? Claud was still in there?
Glen: Yeah. And your name’s not Charlie. It’s Ronald Washington. And you’re wanted in Pennsylvania for kidnapping.
Charlie: Oh! So it’s still kidnapping if I bring them back. Okay, that’s my bad. That’s my bad.