Vanessa Bayer
Shondra… Leslie Jones
Malik… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with video clips of New York streets]
[hip hop music playing]
[Shondra & Malik video bumper]
Vanessa: I’m just saying be careful out here. You don’t need that stress.
Shondra: Man, ain’t nobody worried about Malik. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. [a car is coming over] Here comes this fool now.
Vanessa: We’ll take it down the block. I don’t want to be involved.
[Vanessa walks away]
[The car pulls over and Malik comes out.]
Malik: Shondra! What I’d told you about being on my block?
Shondra: Man, this ain’t your block. And you ain’t the only one allowed to make money out here, Malik. You think you can just roll up on me by yourself?
Malik: Yo, I ain’t never along. [showing his handgun]
Shondra: [laughing] You ain’t saying nothing. What’s good then? [Showing her handgun]
Malik: Oh, so that’s how you want it?
Shondra: It’s whatever, fool.
[Vanessa walks in]
Vanessa: Hey, cops.
[police car drives by]
Malik: Ya, aite! You lucky it’s hot out here.
Shondra: No, you lucky.
Malik: We’re gonna see about that. Don’t let me catch you on this block again, Shondra. It’s going down.
Shondra: Whatever.
Malik: It’s going to be a problem.
[Malik gets in the car but the engine doesn’t start.]
Shondra: Ay! Ay, you’re flooding it, man.
Malik: I’m not.
Vanessa: Sounds flooded, babe.
Malik: Come on, up!
[the engine starts]
Yeah! There it go. There it go. You know what? [Malik gets out of the car again] Like I said, don’t let me catch you on this block again, alright? Don’t let me catch you slipping.
Shondra: You ain’t going to never catch me slipping, homey.
[Malik gets in the car]
Malik: That’s all I gots to say. I’m out.
[the engine breaks]
[Cut to Shondra looking at the engine bonnet for Malik]
Malik: So what you think it is? The starter or the alternator?
Shondra: I don’t know, man. But this belt is pretty worn out. You need to get it changed.
Malik: Well, can’t you just get it going for now?
Shondra: That’s what I’m trying to do. Go get in the car and try to see if it will start.
Malik: Alright.
[Malik gets in the car. The engine starts.]
Yeah. Yeah.
Shondra: Alright. Yeah, man!
Malik: I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But this don’t change nothing. [a lot of smoke is coming out of Malik’s car] If I see you out here again, it’s gonna be a problem.
Shondra: [looking at the car] Dude, it’s smoking.
Malik: That’s me? I’m doing that?
Shondra: Yeah. That’s you.
Malik: Wait a minute. Okay now, this is P, this is reverse–
Shondra: What are you doing? Put it in drive, dude!
Malik: I am putting it in drive. Wait, that’s D, right?
Shondra: Man, you is stupid. Whose car is this?
[Malik turns the car off]
Malik: What? Man, you stupid. Especially if I catch you on my block again, you know what I”m saying?
Shondra: Man, you know what homey? You’re going to have to do what you gonna do, because– Ah! Ah! [putting her hand on her chest]
Malik: What’s wrong? What’s the matter?
Shondra: It’s my chest, man.
[Vanessa walks in]
Vanessa: Hey, that’s probably your heart. You’ve got to stop it with that stress.
Shondra: I think I need to go to the hospital. Somebody call me an ambulance, man.
Malik: I can run you over there.
Shondra: What? No! Not in this raggedy car, you can’t even get it started.
Malik: Man, ambulance is gonna take too long. Come on, I’ll take you over there now. [to Vanessa] Yeah, help me get her in the car.
Vanessa: Alright.
Malik: Here we go.
[Cut to everybody in the car]
Malik: Come on! [the engine doesn’t start]
Shondra: I told you we should have called an ambulance.
[the engine starts]
Malik: Ah! Yeah! So you ain’t think it was going to start. Just hang on.
Shondra: You know what, Malik? Thanks man. If I don’t make it–
Malik: Come on, man. Don’t talk crazy, man, I got you, your’e going to be alright.
Vanessa: Does anyone smell gas?
[The car bursts into fire.]
