Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day
Titacles… Beck Bennett
Oceana… Cecily Strong
Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata
Shud… Kate McKinnon
Conk… Scarlett Johansson
[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.
Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.
[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?
Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.
[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]
Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.
[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.
Titacles: And the other one, Shud.
[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?
Titacles: The choice is yours.
Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?
Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.
Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.
Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.
Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!
Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.
Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.
[Conk crawls up.]Conk: What’s up?
Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.
Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.
Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.
Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.
Shut: Here is a little preview.
[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!
Shut: Hell, yeah.
Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.
Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.
Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.
Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.
[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da [humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]
Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.
Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.
Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.
Harrison Beckett: Okay.
Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.
Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.
Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?
Harrison Beckett: I am not.
Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?
Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.
[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]Argh! it got in my mouth.
Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.
Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.
[airplane sound]Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.
Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!
[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?
Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.
[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.
Conk: Alright, Shud.
[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.
Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons
