Susan B. Anthony


Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Felicity Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Susan B. Anthony… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Alex giving a tour to a house]

Alex: And that’s the end of the official tour. Thank you guys so much for coming. Feel free to stick around and poke around as long as you want.

Aidy: Gosh, I can’t believe we just toured Susan B. Anthony’s real house. I mean, this was so cool.

Felicity: I know. She did so much for women’s rights. I wish we could thank her.

Vanessa: Well, girls. Maybe we can.

Aidy: What do you mean?

Vanessa: I heard a secret that if a group of women holds hands in her living room and says her name three times, she’ll appear.

Cecily: No way. That’s an urban legend.

Vanessa: Only one way to find out.

All: [chanting] Susan B., Susan B., Susan B. [laughing] [Susan B. Anthony appears into the smoke]

Susan B. Anthony: Hello! I am Susan B. Anthony, America’s most famous suffragette.

Aidy: Oh my god! It worked!

Melissa : Susan, I can’t believe it’s you.

Felicity: We just wanna thank you. It’s kind of a hard time for women right now but you give us hope.

Susan B. Anthony: It is always a hard time for women my dear. The important thing is to never give up. I paved the way for you. And now you must pave the way for women 100 years from now. You are the future, my dears.

Aidy: Wow! That is so true. Thank you, Susan. Thank you for everything.

[Everyone hugs Susan B. Anthony]

Susan B. Anthony: Well, well, thank you.

[Everyone prepares to leave.]

Cecily: Should I call cab?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I think the last train to the city is in like 20 minutes.

Aidy: Oh, but maybe get two cabs coz there’s five of us, right?

Cecily: No, I don’t want to pay for two cabs. Let’s just squeeze.

Aidy: Okay, well I don’t think cabs let you squeeze.

Felicity: Um, no, I had one guy where I hid on the floor and he didn’t say anything.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think it just depends on the driver.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] And another thing, girls. A woman can only be in chains if she allows herself to be in chains.

Cecily: Ah, yeah.

Aidy: Totally.

Vanessa: Okay, but wait. So one of us is just going to lay on the floor of the cab? Like, no.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, we all have jobs. Let’s just pay for two cabs.

Cecily: Okay, I’ll pay for it. You guys just Venmo me.

Felicity: I don’t have Venmo.

Vanessa: Katie, get Venmo, it’s great.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] Also, girls, don’t forget, idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

Cecily: What was that Susan?

Susan B. Anthony: I said, an idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

All: Yeah. For sure.

[Cecily talking on the phone]

Cecily: Hi, yes. We need two cabs please, for now. Right at the Susan B. Anthony’s house.

Susan B. Anthony: [walking very close to Cecily] What’s that?

Cecily: It’s the cab company, Susan. We’re going to the Rochester train station.

Susan B. Anthony: No, but what is that in your ear?

Cecily: It’s a phone, Susan. Okay? Yeah, two cabs. As soon as possible, please.

Susan B. Anthony: What’s a phone?

Cecily: Susan!

Susan B. Anthony: What?

Cecily: No, I’m sorry. You know, thank you so much for getting us the right to vote. We just have to do this quickly okay? [on the phone] I’m sorry. Susan B. Anthony is being like, such a pain in the ass.

[Cecily runs out]

Aidy: Okay, so wait. Are we going to have time to get food before we go?

Felicity: I don’t think so. but there’s going to be food on the train.

Aidy: Oh, no. That food is disgusting. It’s just like hard wet sandwiches.

Susan B. Anthony: Um, girls, did you see my little desk? [pointing at her desk] This is where I wrote my diary about the women’s movement.

Vanessa: Yes, Susan, we saw it. It’s so cool.

Felicity: I can’t believe you sat right there.

Girls: Wow!

Felicity: Can we just like go through McDonalds?

Vanessa: No. If we miss this train, we’ll all have to take a cab all the way back to the city.

Susan B. Anthony: And girls, this is my little stove. [showing her stove] Did you see this stove? Back then I would heat it with a very hot stone.

Melissa : Yeah, we heard that on the tour.

Aidy: Yeah, so cool, Susan.

Girls: So cool.

Aidy: Well, you know what? Couldn’t Dustin just come get us?

Vanessa: Dustin works. I’m not going to have him come all the way up to Rochester because you two want burgers.

Susan B. Anthony: Did you see my little shoes? [showing her shoes]

Vanessa: Yes, bitch. We saw your crap! Oh god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Susan B. Anthony.

Aidy: Yeah, sorry. That was rude.

Felicity: We’re really, really sorry.

Susan B. Anthony: That’s alright. I fought so that women like you could speak your minds. I’m proud of you.

Vanessa: Thank you, Susan. We have to go. But it was such an honor to meet you.

Girls: Bye!

Susan B. Anthony: Just remember, girls, a woman is just as good as a man.

Aidy: Oh, yes. Thank you.

Susan B. Anthony: Also, abortion is murder.

Aidy: What?

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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