Ash… Aidy Bryant
David… Alex Moffat
Kyle Mooney[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.] Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.
Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.
Cecily: May the lord open.
All: Under his eye.[they start walking]
Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.
Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.
Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?
Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?
Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?
Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.
Chris: Different? How?
Vanessa: We’re hand maids.
Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.
Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]
Mikey: Oh, yeah.
Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.
Ash: Please, leave us.
Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.
Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.
Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.
Sasheer: We can’t.
Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.
Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.
Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.
Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.
Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.
Ash: Yeah, I can’t.
Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.
Chris: Bro! David?[David walks in]
Mikey: No way!
Cecily: Lower your voice.
Chris: How have you been?
David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]
Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.
David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?
Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.
David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.[Alert alarm goes on]
Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.
Cecily: They found us.[Kyle runs in with a gun]
Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.[Two men take the girls away]
Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?
Mikey: Oh, yeah.[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]
Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.