Bill O’Reilly… Alec Baldwin
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Malia Zimmerman… Cecily Strong[Starts with the O’Reilly Factor intro] [Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]
Bill O’Reilly: Caution! You’re about to enter the no spin zone, ‘The Factor’, begins right now.[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] [Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]
Hi, I’m Bill O’Reilly. I hope your’e having a terrific evening. The subject of tonight’s talking point’s memo is a scandal everyone’s talking about all week. A scandal no one thought I would have the guts to address head on, but the shocking allegations of abuse of power has been leveled against Obama.
Let’s bring in FOX News investigator reporter Laurie Dhue with an update. [pause] [listens to his ear-piece] What’s that? Laurie no longer works for the company? Did she get the check? Okay, fine.
I’m told we do have FOX News analyst Malia Zimmerman who is normally in studio, but is now reporting live via satellite from exactly 500 yards away. [Cut to Malia Zimmerman] Malia, great to have you.
Malia Zimmerman: Um-hmm.
Bill O’Reilly: Malia, you spoke to former Obama Security Adviser Susan Rice and you told her I believe she illegally leaked the names of Trump’s people to the media. Correct?
Malia Zimmerman: Yes. And she denied it.
Bill O’Reilly: So, you asked her point blank and she said–?
Malia Zimmerman: No.
Bill O’Reilly: Okay. But when she said no, what was her vibe?
Malia Zimmerman: Her vibe?
Bill O’Reilly: Yeah. Like, when she said no, did her eyes say yes? Sometimes they do that.
Malia Zimmerman: No, they just said no.
Bill O’Reilly: Okay, but, was it a firm no or like–
Malia Zimmerman: Oh, man! [talking to her team] Can we do that think we talked about?[Malia Zimmerman’s face is blurred]
Bill O’Reilly: Alright, terrific reporting, Malia.
Malia Zimmerman: [voice changed] Thanks for having me, Bill.[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]
Bill O’Reilly: We’re gonna take a quick break. [stays silent for a while] As you know, 60 of our sponsors have pulled ads from the program. No words as to why yet. We thank the following sponsors for sticking with us.
Male voice: The O’Reilly Factor is brought to you by, Dog Cocaine. [Cut to picture of a dog sniffing cofaine] Turns out, you can teach dogs new tricks. And one of them is doing cocaine.[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] And the O’Reilly Factor is also sponsored by [Cut to Eliquis tablet] prescription strength, Eliquis. it’s Cialis for horses! Get your horses boned up and see what happens! With Eliquis, the official horse aphrodisiac of ‘The Factor’. [Picture changes to poster of the movie ‘Chips’.] And finally, the movie Chips. Chips, Oops! [Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]
Bill O’Reilly: Very proud of all of our sponsors. Now this is hard for me to discuss, but I also have been in the news this week. Apparently, several women have come forward and accused me of offering them exciting opportunities here at FOX News. Beyond that, the details are a bit fuzzy, but one man brave enough to come to my defense. A man who is unimpeachable on all female issues, now is here tonight. People, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Hello, hi. Hello everyone. Good evening, Bill. It’s so wonderful to be here on the Factor. I’m a big fan.
Bill O’Reilly: I’m a big fan as well and it’s an honor to have you here. And can I just say Mr. President, you look even better on TV.
Donald Trump: I know. I do. I look fantastic and can I tell you something, I actually see a lot of myself in you, Bill.[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]
Bill O’Reilly: Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to my defense last week even though no one asked you to. And you even went as far as saying “Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.”[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: That’s correct.
Bill O’Reilly: That’s based upon?
Donald Trump: Hunch. Just a loose hunch.
Bill O’Reilly: So, you are not familiar with the facts of the case?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I mean, I’m more familiar with this case than, say, healthcare, but I didn’t really look into it much, no. I was too busy being super presidential by bombing a bunch of [bleep].[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]
Bill O’Reilly: Well, I deeply appreciate your support on behalf of all women and I’d like thank you, Donald Trump, for promoting sexual assault awareness month.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: That’s right, Bill. It’s a subject near and dear to my hand.[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]
Bill O’Reilly: Well, thank you for stopping by ‘The Factor’, Mr. President. Keep up the good work.
Donald Trump: Wait, is that a joke?
Bill O’Reilly: Excuse me.
Donald Trump: A lot of people have been saying, “Keep up the good work” but then I found it was a joke.
Bill O’Reilly: I was not making a joke, Mr. President. I promise.
Donald Trump: [sign] I’m back, baby.[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]
Bill O’Reilly: [clearing throat] Don’t forget to check out my hit book, ‘Old School, Life in the Sane Lane.” It’s about having terrific great morals and values and couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Thanks for watching ‘The Factor’.