The Princess and the Curse

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Aidy Bryant

Maleficent… Kate McKinnon

Princess… Felicity Jones

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]

Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.

[Maleficent walks in]

No!

Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.

Aidy: Not the curse!

Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Aidy: No!

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper] [Cut to 18 years later] [Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]

Prince: Princess Viola.

Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.

Prince: But why do you always make me go.

Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.

Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?

Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.

Prince: Nonsense.

Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.

Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.

Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.

Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.

Princess: You swear?

Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.

Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.

Prince: Uh-huh.

Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.

Prince: Umm.

Princess: Is that a problem?

Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?

Princess: What?

Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?

Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.

Prince: Got it.

Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.

Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.

Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.

[thundering] [Maleficent appears in the woods]

Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.

Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.

Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.

Prince: No!

Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.

Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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