The Princess and the Curse

Aidy Bryant

Maleficent… Kate McKinnon

Princess… Felicity Jones

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]

Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.

[Maleficent walks in]

No!

Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.

Aidy: Not the curse!

Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Aidy: No!

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

[Cut to 18 years later]

[Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]

Prince: Princess Viola.

Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.

Prince: But why do you always make me go.

Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.

Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?

Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.

Prince: Nonsense.

Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.

Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.

Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.

Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.

Princess: You swear?

Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.

Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.

Prince: Uh-huh.

Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.

Prince: Umm.

Princess: Is that a problem?

Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?

Princess: What?

Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?

Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.

Prince: Got it.

Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.

Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.

Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.

[thundering]

[Maleficent appears in the woods]

Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.

Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.

Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.

Prince: No!

Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.

Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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