Maleficent… Kate McKinnon
Princess… Felicity Jones
Prince… Beck Bennett[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]
Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.[Maleficent walks in]
Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.
Aidy: Not the curse!
Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Aidy: No![Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper] [Cut to 18 years later] [Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]
Prince: Princess Viola.
Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.
Prince: But why do you always make me go.
Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.
Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?
Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.
Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.
Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.
Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.
Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.
Princess: You swear?
Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.
Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.
Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.
Princess: Is that a problem?
Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?
Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?
Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.
Prince: Got it.
Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.
Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.
Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.
Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.
Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.
Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.
Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.
Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]