Theatre Donor


Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer

Albie Durberry… Mikey Day

Keely… Felicity Jones

Jack… Beck Bennett

Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]

Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater.  [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.

[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]

Keely: He wanted to say something.

Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.

[laughter] [cheers and applause]

Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”

[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]

Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.

Genevieve: Ah!

Jack: And how was your day?

Genevieve: Quiet.

Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?

Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.

Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?

Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.

Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.

Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.

Albie Durberry: What?

Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?

Albie Durberry: Who?

Keely: Shh.

Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?

Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.

[beep beep]

Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.

Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.

Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind]  You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.

[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]

Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.

Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.

[Albie Durberry throws everything away] [looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?

Kenan: Yes, very much.

[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]

Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.

[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]

God, it feels like yesterday.

[Jack and Genevieve start humming] [warning alert]

Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.

Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.

[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]

Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.

Genevieve: I– I can’t.

Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.

Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?

Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.

[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]

Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!

Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.

Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.

Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.

Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No!

[Keely is making Albie Durberry change]

Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.

Albie Durberry: No! No!

Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.

Keely: Can you hold his toes still?

Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.

[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]

Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.

Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.

Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.

Keely: No!

[Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]

Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!

Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry!

[phone ringing]

I’m so sorry.

[It’s Kenan’s phone.]

Kenan: Sorry.

Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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