Tiffany Haddish[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tiffany Haddish.[Tiffany Haddish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Tiffany Haddish: Whoo! Ah! This is an amazing night. I’m so happy to be here. You may know me from a movie called ‘Girls Trip’ that came out this past summer. Star Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Regina Hall and me, Tiffany Haddish. Now, this movie made over $100 million plus. Okay? And I’m trying to figure out where is my cut of money coz I have not seen it at all yet. And all my friends are telling me, “Tiffany, you a star now. You big time. You balling out of control.” And I’m looking at my bank account like, “Uh-huh.” They say, “Google yourself.” So, I google myself, ‘Tiffany Haddish celebrity ne2rk.’ And it was said I was worth $2 million, y’all. But I ain’t seen this money? Where is this $2 million? What do I got to get this $2 million? Do I need to fake my death? Like, do I got to Tupac this and move to Tyler Perry island? Y’all know Tyler Perry got an island, right?
But, honestly though, before I was in ‘Girls Trip’, I grew up in foster care. I want to thank everybody who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999 because if you wouldn’t have paid your taxes, I wouldn’t be standing here. So, thank you. Thank you. I lived in a lot of group homes. My favorite show growing up was ‘SNL’. That’s my favorite thing to watch. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a bunch of black and hispanic kids to watch ‘SNL’ over ‘In Living Color.’ Okay? Try to convince them that Dana Carvy is just as funny as Damon Wayans was a problem. I got stabbed twice, y’all, in a bunk bed. That’s why I don’t mess with bunk beds to this day. I don’t mess with them. They scare me.
They told me I should talk about something that’s going on in the world. Politics, hot topics. Here’s the thing, I don’t really pay attention to the news or anything. All my news comes from a beauty shop. When I get my hair done, I find out what was going on in the world. And women talking about a lot of different stuff. They were talking about in a beauty shop just the other day. About Donald Trump. And we were saying, “Damn! Who is doing Donald Trump’s wig? His face fronts are off the chain! His hair is looking all good for sleepy kind of president. What kind of glue is he using? Coz when the wind blow, it don’t even move or nothing. That’s good hair right there.”
And we’ve been talking about the whole sexual harassment stuff that’s been going on. And look here, okay guys. Fellas, I got a tip for y’all. I like to call it Tiffany’s tips. It’s a Tif’s tip. Listen fellas, listen. Okay? If you got your thing out and she got all her clothes on, you’re wrong. You’re in the wrong. [cheers and applause] Wait until she takes her own clothes off, then pull your thing out. Okay?
Speaking of men getting in trouble and stuff this past few months, I shot a movie with Kevin Hart this summer, okay? And Kevin came up to me one day and said, “Tiffany, you have been to Thailand, China, Japan. You went to Florida. You wen to Texas. You was in San Francisco, Los Angeles. And you did all that in a same day?” I was like, “No, Kevin. It took me two years to go all those places.” He was like, “Really? Because I went on your Instagram and you was wearing the same outfit in all those different places.” And here’s the thing. That’s what I can’t stand about the internet coz it’s messing with my fashion game. I feel like I should be able to wear what I want when I want, however many times I want as I paid for them. What? Like this dress, [mentioning the dress she’s wearing] I wore it on the Red Carpet for the ‘Girls Trip’ movie debut. And my whole team, they told me, “Tiffany, you cannot wear that dress on ‘SNL’. You already wore it. It’s taboo to wear it twice.” And I said, “I don’t give a dang about no taboo. I spent a lot of money on this dress. This dress cost way more than my mortgage. This is a Alexander McQueen, okay? This is a $4,000 dress. I’m gonna wear this dress multiple times. Okay?” Real talk? You might see this dress in two sketches tonight. If somebody invites me to a bar of bat mitzvah, guess what I’m going to wear? This Alexander McQueen dress. If somebody invites me to all black party, guess what I’m wearing? This all white dress. If another man asks me to marry him, if I ever get married again, and yes, I’ve married before. People are always shocked when I say that like, “Tiffany, you were married?” Yes, I’m a beautiful woman, okay? I might get married two or three more times. I might Elizabeth Taylor this thing. You don’t know. But if another man asks me to marry him, guess what I’m wearing? This dress. And shoot! Don’t invite me to your party coz I’ll probably wear this dress to it too.
And if I die, which I hope I never do, I hope I live forever. But if I die and even if I become fat as hell, if I’m the biggest fat, I don’t care, when I’m laying in that casket, guess what’s going to be laying on top of my fat ass body? This dress.
Now, if somebody invited me to a baptist church and they say they want me to participate in the praise and worship dance, I’m waring this dress to the church and I am gonna dance my butts off, buddy. And I’m going to show you how I’m going to do it. Band, kick that thing.
We are gonna have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back. I’m Tiffany Haddish.