Totino’s with Kristen Stewart


Vanessa Bayer

Sabine… Kristen Stewart

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group os guys watching football]

Beck: Come on, yes!

Kyle: Go, go, go, go.

All: Touchdown!

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Is everyone enjoying the big game?

Beck: Oh, come on babe, don’t act like you know sports.

[Cut to Wife in the kitchen]

Wife: [smiling] My husband’s right. When it comes to the big game, there’s only one thing I know about, feeding my hungry guys.

All: No, no! Fumble!

Wife: And this year’s game is bigger than ever. Which means I’ll be feeding them more Totinos than ever.

Beck: Babe, we need more Totinos, Dave just got here.

Wife: Not a problem, because this year I’ve got the new Totino’s Totino two-pack. It’s twice the Totino for twice the hungry guys.

Beck: Enough yapping, we need the Totinos. Ted’s here too, and he brought his sister.

Wife: Great, more hands to help me make delicious Totinos pi–

[Wife looks at Sabine and gets mesmerized.] [music playing]

Pizza rolls. Oh, my!

[Sabine walks to Wife]

Sabine: Hi. I’m Sabine. what’s your name?

Wife: I never had one.

Sabine: That’s a shame.

[Wife turns around and starts putting the Totino rolls on tray. Sabine starts putting the rolls and slowly touches Wife’s hands.]

Wife: I should bring these out.

Sabine: No, stay with me.

Wife: But– what about my hungry guys?

Sabine: What are you hungry for?

Guys: Go, go, go, yes! Touchdown! Hey, babe, we need those Totinos, what’s going on back there?

[Wife and Sabine are in the kitchen hugging each other and dancing softly.] [Wife is drawing a picture of Sabine eating Totinos.] [Wife looks away]

Sabine: What is it?

Wife: Every big game before this one, I’ve been asleep. But, Sabine, [speaking in French. The subtitle reads ‘You have awoken me. I feel like we are the only two people on Earth.’]

Beck: They’re gonna punt.

[Wife and Sabine open their clothes and slowly touches each other’s skin with Totinos.]

Wife: [In French] My husband has his Totinos. And you are my Totino.

Beck: Babe, what’s taking so long with those Totinos? You girls making out back there?

[The guys laugh]

Bobby: You’re crazy.

[Wife and Sabine are actually making out]

Female voice: Totino. This spring, find your Totino.

Beck: Babe? Babe?

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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