Kyle Mooney
Alex Moffat
Mikey Day
Cecily Strong
Helen… Scarlett Johansson
[Starts with a presentation]Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.
Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?
Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.
Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?
Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.
Alex: Then, let’s see it.
Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.
Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.
Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.
Max: [gibberish]
Alex: Brilliant.
Helen: Hang on. It worked. I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.
Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.
Alex: Oh, my god.
Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.
Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?
Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.
Helen: What?
Cecily: What did you dog just say?
Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.
Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.
Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?
Helen: He doesn’t.
Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.
Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.
Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?
Cecily: Your dog is a monster.
Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about
Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]
Helen: Get over here, Max.
[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.
Alex: Your dog is a jackass.
Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.
Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.
Cecily: Really?
Helen: No, Max, that is not true.
Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.
Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?
Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.
Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.
Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?
Kyle: Whoa!
Helen: Max!
Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.
Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.
Max: So?
Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.
Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.
Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.
Alex: Don’t miss.
Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–
Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.
[turning the machine off]Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.
Alex: Obviously.
Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.
[Alex and Cecily leaves]Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay? Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!
[Helen carries Max and walks away]