Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney
[Starts with The People’s Court intro]
Male voice: This is the People’s Court.
[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]
Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?
[Cut to three judges walking in the court]
These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.
Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.
9th Circuit Judges: We do.
Police: Mr. President.
Donald Trump: I’m good.
Police: Proceed it.
Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?
Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.
Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?
Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.
Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.
Donald Trump: So called.
Judge: Excuse me?
Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.
Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?
Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.
Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!
Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!
Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.
Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?
Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?
Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.
Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.
[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].
[background entrance music playing]
Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”
Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.
Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!
Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–
Donald Trump: I want to settle.
Judge: Excuse me?
Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.
Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–
Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.
Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.
Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.
