Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]Bobby: People of county, boy, do we have surprise for you tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes. He was on his way to Washington, but he decided to first stop andbe with the people who brought him there. Please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.
[Donald Trump walks in] [cheers and applause]Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you. We all love Trump, don’t we? We do. We do. I had an amazing week, folks. I met with the leaders from China, Egypt and Jordan. Gorsuch was confirmed and the media is saying nice things and no one is talking about Russia. Wow, what a difference 59 tomahawk missiles can make. I just want to spend 20 minutes today with my people. Folks who don’t whisper, “Oh, god, what’s happening?” right after I leave the room. I know how hard it is for you. Thins have changed so much since I was growing up. For example, a lot of poverty is white now. Isn’t that crazy? Let me hear from you. You like that I bombed Syria? You right there.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: I sure do, sir, but I wanted to talk about my job. I recently got laid off from coal mining plant.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: God, I love coal. You guys have suffered terribly. Worse than anyone. And as president, I promise I am going to do everything I can to make sure you people work in coal for the rest of your lives. And your kids will work in coal and your grandkids. It’s going to be incredible.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Mr. President, thank you so much, but all we want are good jobs. They don’t have to be in coal.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: Sorry, hombre, it’s all coal. In Trump’s American, men work in two places. Coal mines and Goldman Sachs. Therefore, I’m cutting all jobs killing regulations. I’m proud to announce that as of today, your coal mines will have no regulations. None. It’s a free-for-all. How about you? are you glad that I bombed Syria?
[Cut to Beck]Beck: Um, yeah. I guess so Mr. President. But I actually wanna talk about Obamacare. Since I signed up, my premiums have gone up and I have to drive 90 minutes to see a doctor. I know you tried your best to fix it but you just couldn’t.
Donald Trump: You mean Paul Ryan couldn’t. I did everything I could. I made phone calls, I jumped into a truck and I posed for pictures. I went, “Honk! Honk!” But I won’t give up. I am talking with the freedom caucus and we are going to get rid of it.
[Cut to Beck]Beck: You’re going to get rid of my healthcare? Like, all of it?
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: All of it. Gone! After we are done, you will never have to drive to see a doctor again. How does that sound? That’s great, right? Isn’t that great?
[Cut to Beck]Beck: Um, well, I trust your judgement, sir. There must be some reason you are a billionaire.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: See? We think exactly alike, I say quietly to myself. Sometimes quietly to myself. All the time actually, there must be some reason I’m a billionaire. Who is next? How about you?
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: Hi, sir. I want to talk about my wife who is addicted to pain killers.
Donald Trump: Susan Rice? Put her in jail, right?
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: I’m not sure who that is. I work in union but my wife won’t move because she is in a federally sponsored drug rehab program an hour away.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: Terrible. This is the exact problem I’m having. My wife doesn’t wanna move either. So, she lives 200miles away. It’s costing the federal government millions of dollars. It’s nuts. Am I right? But she says she loves her own bed. Wives can be crazy. Am I right? They can be crazy.
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: I feel you, sir. But like I was saying, my wife stays because of the federal rehab program.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: Well, don’t worry about that, okay? Coz, we’re gonna get rid of it.
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: You’re getting rid of it?
Donald Trump: Yes. Junking it. Junked! Now she can live wherever she wants. Did I make you feel better now?
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: I’m nor sure, but I voted for you and your are my president.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: See? That’s why I came here. You stand by me no matter what. It’s like you found a finger in your chili and still eat the chili because you don’t know how much you love chili. It’s tremendous. Who else? How about you?
[Cut to Aidy]Aidy: Thank you for coming. I guess I wanted to talk about my own child who is in an after school program.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: Junked!
Aidy: Okay. Great. I work two jobs for minimum wage.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: Minimum wage, gone. Gone.
[Cut to Aidy]Aidy: Okay. Perfect. It’s just we can’t afford a new house because my mortgage is under water.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: We’re getting rid of that. We’re getting rid of that.
[Cut to Aidy]Aidy: My mortgage?
Donald Trump: No. Your house. Junked.
[Cut to Aidy]Aidy: And we can’t even drink our own water because there is lead in it.
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: No. We’re going to keep that. We’re going to keep that one. Are we cool? You still love Trump?
[Cut to Aidy]Aidy: You’re my president!
[Cut to Donald Trump]Donald Trump: God, you’re blowing my mind. Okay, keep eating that finger chili. I think you can hear my helicopter right now. Remember that I’m one of you and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.
