Elf… kate McKinnon
Santa… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]
Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.
Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.
Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]
Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?
Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?
Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?
Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.
Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?
Santa: Well, I can certainly try.
Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?
Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?
Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?
Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.
Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?
Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.
Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]
Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.
Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?
Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?
Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.
Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.
Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.
Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.
Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.
Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.
Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]
Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.
Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.
Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?
Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.
Billy: From all the brain injuries?
Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.
Billy: Go Brogo.
Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]
Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.
Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.
Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.
Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.
Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?
Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.
Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.
Girl: Wow! Classic response.
Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.
Elf: Thank you for coming.
Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.
Elf: And now, you.[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]
Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?
Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.
Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]
Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.
Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.
Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.
Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next![The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]
Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?
Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.
Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]
Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?
Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?
Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.
Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.
Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.[A girl walks to Santa]
Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?
Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.
Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.
Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.
Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.
Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.
Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?
Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?
All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!