Bruce… Beck Bennett
Kate McKinnon
Leslie Jones
Chance the Rapper
Kenan Thompson
Chris Redd
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with a clip of Wayne Manor in Gotham City in Thanksgiving eve’]
[Cut to the thanksgiving party inside Wayne Manor]
Kate: Bruce, the mayor once again thanks you for your generosity. Your annual Wayne Manor holiday food drive has become an important tradition for our inner city in these hard times.
Bruce: Please, whatever I can do to give back to the good citizens of Gotham is my pleasure.
Kate: Also, some of the people that you helped this year would just like to personally say thank you if it’s not too much trouble.
Bruce: Oh, of course not. I would love to talk to them.
Kate: Okay, wonderful. Right, this way.
[Leslie and Chance walk in]
Leslie: Thank you so much, Mr. Wayne. The food drive is a godsend. We haven’t gotten this lucky since the Joker hijacked the fresh direct truck and left it open in the projects.
Bruce: Well, the joker is a bad man. And we’re very lucky that Batman has brought him to justice.
Leslie: Either way, me and my son really thank you.
Chance: Can I ask him now, mama?
Leslie: Boy! I am not bothering this nice man. He has done a good thing. Let it go.
Bruce: What is it, son? You can ask your old pal Bruce anything.
Chance: Okay, Bruce, do you know how Batman is always so tough on crime?
Bruce: He sure is, son. And I’ll tell you a little secret. I actually know Batman.
Chance: Okay. Well, can you tell him to cool it down in our neighborhood?
Bruce: Cool it down? What do you mean?
Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him. I mean, he broke my best friend’s jaw in two places and all he did was steal a TV. That’s excessive.
[Leslie tries to shut Chance up]
Leslie: Malik!
Bruce: It’s okay, ma’am. Listen, Malik. Stealing is a crime and Batman doesn’t take crime lightly.
Chance: Obviously, coz then he zip lined him to the top of the building and then left him hanging for like, 30 minutes, 30 stories up on a gargoyle by his under wear.
Bruce: Um, well, Batman fights crime wherever he sees it.
Chance: Just seems like he’s in our neighborhood all the time.
[Kenan walks in]
Kenan: Who y’all talking about? Batman?
Leslie and Chance: Yeah.
Kenan: Man, somebody has to do something about him.
Chance: That’s what I’m saying.
Kenan: You know, he broke my jaw in three places just for littering.
Leslie: For real?
Chance: See? I told you.
Kenan: Yeah. He did that back hand thing and like, knocked all my damn teeth out.
Bruce: Alright. Well, there’s a lot of other families that would like to talk to me, now.
Kenan: Then, he picked my ass up in that zip line thing. Sent me flying up like 30 stories on a gargoyle and just left me there hanging by my drawers.
Leslie: Why does he always leave brothers dangling from the gargoyle?
Chance: It’s weird. That’s my whole point.
Bruce: Look, crime happens really fast. I’m sure Batman has to make a lot of split seconds judgment calls.
[Chris walks in]
Chris: Who y’all talking about? Batman?
All: Yeah.
Chris: Somebody got to do something about him, man. Man, my car stalled out in the middle of the road one night and he came out of nowhere and broke all my damn windows. Snatched me out the car and threw me outside of a Best Buy.
Chance: Did your jaw break?
Chris: Oh, for sure. Immediately. It goes without saying. He just leaves me hanging there. I’m like, “Um, hello, am I even under arrest? Am I gonna get charged for something?”
Kenan: You know, he crashed a full plane on my street and then just walked away. I was like, “I guess my mercury bobcat is under here somewhere.”
Bruce: Look, I’m sorry.
Kenan: Sorry?
Chance: Why are you sorry?
Bruce: I’m just empathizing, like, I’m sorry for you.
Leslie: Well, I tell you what, I hope somebody kicks Batman’s ass.
Kenan: Whoo! I would love that. We should all jump him. The whole community. Teach him a lesson.
Chris: Yeah, yeah. Get all the baseball bats we can find and break his jaw for a change.
Chance: Yeah. Leave him hanging by his drawers for a change.
Bruce: I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys.
Chance: You’re right. We should burn his cave down.
All: Yeah!
Bruce: No, not my cave!
Chris: What?
Chance: What?
Bruce: Is what he would say, I’m sure. Look, I’ll talk to Batman for you guys. I’ll tell him to give you all a break. He’s not a bad guy, I swear.
[Melissa walks in]
Melissa: What y’all talking about? Batman?
All: Yeah.
Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him.
Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about that. My cousin is locked up with the joker right now and they are cooking a perfect plan to get rid of him for good.
Chance: That’s what I’m talking about.
Chris: Whatever I could do to help.
Bruce: Um, so what’s this plan?
Leslie: Don’t worry about it, Mr. Wayne. You’ve done enough for us.
Melissa: Come on, y’all. I’ll tell you all about it. The joker’s gonna cut off Batman’s weiner.
Bruce: Not my weiner! Is what he’s going to say!
