Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a church at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the something blue at their wedding was balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: For the first time in 146 years, it hs not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all of the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.

[Picture changes to a Subway sandwich]

Well, I’m worried about this one. A new investigation has revealed that Subway’s chicken contains only about 50% chicken DNA. Though that’s pretty much best case scenario for a DNA swab subway.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking March month at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! That’s a harsh joke, Colin. Anyway, March is women’s history month while April is a lot of backed up dishes.

[Picture changes to a cover picture of movie “Beauty and the Beast”.]

It was revealed that the upcoming live action version of Beauty and the Beast will feature first gay character ever in a Disney movie. The first gay character? I mean, come on. [Picture changes to Ursula] She gave a mermaid a vagina. Anyway. A theater in Alabama has already refused to show this version of Beauty and the Beast, because in Alabama, gay characters have no place in a children’s musical about beastiality. I know when I found out Mr. Hands was gay, that really took me out of the video. What Alabama bigot is watching a lady make out with a big foot and thinking, “You know what has taking me out of this cartoon is that fruity ass candle.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. That’s a picture of Ghana at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The pizza chain famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana will ship New York city water to these African country to make pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, “Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time? Guys!”

[Picture changes to the band UMichael Che]

A British songwriter is suing UMichael Che claiming that he band stole one of his songs. Though, I don’t like the songwriter’s chances because his lawyer is working pro-Bono.

[the crowd didn’t understand the joke, so he does the face-palm.] [Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] He insisted on telling that.