Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Okay. I know I said this last week but this week was crazy. Obviously, Trump’s not done yet but let’s just say [Picture changes to Mike Pence pitching at baseball field] Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bowl pitch. With the White House reeling from allegations of obstruction justice, president for now Trump said point blank, that he never told FBI director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up real dilemma who are you gonna believe? The head of the FBI or the guy who is definitely lying.[Picture changes Donald Trump and James Comey]
It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he will public announce that Trump was not under investigation, which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of Law&Order and the husband asked the detectives, “So when are you gonna announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?”, that guy definitely buried the lady in the woods. A friend of Comey also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The justice department has named Robert Mueller as special council to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. Now, this should make Trump very nervous because Mueller is a former director of FBI. And FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud or sex island. You know, typical stuff. So, Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out he’s being investigated by a Kentucky Kernel. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] And you can tell Trump knows that heat is on because he tweeted out, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” I guess he’s right. It is pretty great! President Trump also said in the speech that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like [Picture changes to Ja Rule] Ja Rule is a festival organizer.
Colin Jost: It was reported yesterday that president Trump told a Russian official, “I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy. A real nut job.” Which actually makes sense. Coz the only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters and Scott Baio. [Picture changes to Scott Baio] [Picture changes to Donald Trump and James Comey]
Comey is probably so normal that to Trump, he seems insane. He’s like, “You got to meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, own zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!” In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was also reported in that same meeting that Trump revealed classified intelligence. Well, of course he did. He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunt handles church gossip. I beat everything he leaks to Russia starts with, “Russia girl, sit down.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Saudi Arabia map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Tomorrow’s going to be exciting because president Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.[Picture changes to the White House]
It has obviously been a tough start for the Trump administration. So, we just want a moment to look back and remember all the people Trump has lost this year.[cut to slideshow of pictures of Paul Manafort (resigned), Michael Flynn (forced to resign), Chris Christie (thrown under a bus), Rudy Giuliani (wooden stake), Sean Spicer (Shhh, he doesn’t know yet).]