Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of mountains at right top corner.]Michael Che: Officials are warning hikers to stay away from a volcano in New Zealand saying there are signs it may erupt. Signs like, when locals heard the volcano whisper, “Oh, I’m so close.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a deer at left top corner.]Colin Jost: New York mayor Bill De Blasio has announced a plan to help reduce the deer population on Staten Island by giving the male deers vasectomies. Since Deere abortion is still illegal due to the landmark case of DOE V Wade.
[Picture changes to map picture of Oregon stage]A man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on it. It’s all part of Domino’s new slogan, “You die when we say you die.”
