Colin Jost
Al Franken… Alex Moffat
Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.
[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]
Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.
Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.
Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.
Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!
Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.
[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]
Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.
Al Franken: That’s overstating.
Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.
Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.
Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.
Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.
Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?
Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?
Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.
Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.
Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.
Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?
Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.
Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?
Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.
Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.
Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.
Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
Jeff Sessions: Alababy.
Al Franken: Excuse me?
Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.
Al Franken: Oh my god.
Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.
Al Franken: Unbelievable.
Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.
Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?
Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.
Al Franken: And where do you live?
Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.
Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.
Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.
[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.
