Colin Jost
Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.
[Angela Merkel slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!
Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?
Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]
Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.
Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing]
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What was that?
Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]
Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.
Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.
Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.
Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?
Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–
Colin Jost: Yeah.
Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?
Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”
Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.
Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.
[Cut to Angela Merkel]
Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.
Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.
[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!
