Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Temperatures climbed up to 80 degrees in New York this week and Easter Sunday arrives tomorrow marking the unofficial beginning of spring time. Here with his unique take on the season is veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.[Bruce Chandling slides in]
Bruce Chandling: Yo! Ay! Michael! Ay, so good to be here. You know? The sun’s out, flowers are in bloom and the girl’s skirts are getting a lot shorter. So, this guy has got work to do.
Michael Che: What re you talking about? what work?
Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Look, I love Easter. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Right? Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, you got that big bunny showing up, giving sweets all over the backyard. Now, in the real world, you know, I’m just saying, most animals don’t deposit candy in the grass. They leave something else. And I don’t recommend eating that chocolate.[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: Yo, what age range are these jokes for?
Bruce Chandling: Hey, you really got to stop interrupting, okay, pal?
Michael Che: Yeah, but–
Bruce Chandling: Alright! [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Of course, my favorite part of the season has to be spring break. Yeah! yeah![Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: They’re not cheering for you. They’re cheering for spring break I think.
Bruce Chandling: I mean, these college kids love to have fun. [to Michael Che] You’ve seen this?
Michael Che: Yeah. I’ve–
Bruce Chandling: You heard about this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know, they’re always getting together and going on trips down south. And I ain’t just talking about Mexico if you catch my drift.[cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: Yeah, man, we all get it and it’s bad. Are you finished?
Bruce Chandling: But honestly, you know, these kids they really do go nuts, Michael. We t-shirt contests. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Rock hard abs. Beautiful people looking the best they are ever going to look. It really makes you think.[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: What? Is that the punch line?
Bruce Chandling: No. [cut to Bruce Chandling] It just– it really– it makes you think about how you might not ever be able to look like that again. [Bruce Chandling is getting depressed] The weight gets harder to lose and you don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed. Now, some loser in lab coat is telling you that you have to wear glasses because you are practically blind. Well, [wears his glasses] go ahead and laugh all you want. I guess the real joke here is me.[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]
Michael Che: Hey, Bruce, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I think you are a good person inside and that’s what really matters.
Bruce Chandling: I guess you’re right. I mean, at least– [smirking]
Michael Che: Oh god!
Bruce Chandling: — I didn’t eat the wrong chocolate!
Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.