Cathy Anne[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.[Cathy Anne slides in]
Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.
Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.
Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.
Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.
Cathy Anne: Meth lab.
Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.
Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]
Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?
Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]
Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.
Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.
Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.
Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.
Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]
Michael Che: Your man?
Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]
Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!
Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.
Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.
Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.
Michael Che: Alright.
Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.
Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.