Claire… Cecily Strong[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: With this unending parade of sexual abuse allegations from actors, producers and politicians, they’ve all come to light recently. Here with her annual sexual harassment guidelines seminar is Claire from HR.[Claire slides in] [cheers and applause]
Hi, Claire. Is that a receipt on your neck?
Claire: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just grabbing lunch.
Colin Jost: At CBS?
Claire: Yeah. it’s been a crazy week.
Colin Jost: Okay.
Claire: They want these today and I haven’t been home in three days. So…
Colin Jost: Oh my god.
Claire: You guys do probably wanna get going to the show. So, I’m just– we’ll just do our little HR quiz. Just make sure we’re all on the same page. Sorry. Okay. We’ll start. Okay. [Cut to Claire] First question is just about office romance. It’s not a big deal. We know it happens. Right? So, what is the appropriate way to handle a workplace relationship? A, inform someone at HR. B, lock her in a room and make her look at it. Or, C, bully her out of the entire industry.[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m gonna say A.
Claire: Yes! Oh, good. You got it. You would be surprised how many people get that wrong. It could make you lose your damn mind. Ah! Okay. Here we go. Alright. [Cut to Claire] Oh, so this next question is about consent, actually. Oh, and we have a visual for this one. [Claire shows a photo of a woman. She is wearing a suit.] So, you run into your coworker at the office. Now, is she, A, giving you a seductive look that says, “Hey, come get this.” B, she said ‘no’ before in the past but that little skirt is saying, “Yes, yes, me horny.” Or, C, she is living her live and it has nothing to do with you. [Cut to Claire and Colin Jost] And the answer is?
Colin Jost: I’m gonna say C.
Claire: Yes, leave her alone!
Colin Jost: Okay. I’m sorry, are you mad at me?
Claire: Yeah, I think I am actually. It’s hard to explain. [Cut to Claire] Okay. Um, this is a new one that we need to do now. It’s kind of fun. Okay, ready? When is it okay for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old? A, when she’s 14 but she’s smoking a cigarette. B, 14, but it’s Alabama. C, 14, but you are gay now, so hooray, how brave. Or D, 14–[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: No, you don’t have to keep going. I’m pretty sure the answer is never.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Well, if it’s such an easy question, why does it have to be on the quiz?[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth]
Colin Jost: Wait! Are you drinking Purel?
Claire: Yeah, yeah. I find that it cleanses me. It gives me a nice buzz to do this. Oh, this is fun. Next one is a prop. You’ll like this. [Claire pulls out a stuffed man doll wearing suit.] So this is you.
Colin Jost: That’s me?
Claire: Well, it’s obvious. When talking to a coworker in the office where should you keep your penis?
Colin Jost: Excuse me?
Claire: Just point on the doll where your penis should be. Remember, there are no wrong answers. Just super wrong answers.
Colin Jost: Okay. I would say just keep it in your pants.
Claire: Yes. Exactly. A penis never needs to be out of your pants at work.
Colin Jost: Is that question really on the quiz? Does that help?
Claire: Yeah, Colin, because come people need it. But not you. You passed.
Colin Jost: Oh, that’s so great.
Claire: Yeah, yeah. But I’m sure I’ll be back next week and the week after that, forever and ever, because this isn’t just a scandal. It didn’t just start this week. It’s actually reality for half of the population.
Colin Jost: Okay. Claire from HR, everybody.[Claire looks at her phone]
Claire: George, the Takai, no!