Weekend Update David Ortiz on New England Patriots


Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow, the New England Patriots will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title. Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know, Boston Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yo! Yay! Yay! Yay! Whooo! Hey, como estas, Yost! Oh, are you ready for the super bowl?

Colin Jost: I am, I’m excited. I might have some people over if you want to–

David Ortiz: No.

Colin Jost: So, Big Papi, [Michael Che laughing]

David Ortiz: Yes?

Colin Jost: Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah. This gonna shock you, man. But actually, I do a pretty big lunch. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you do a big lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah, big lunch for Big Papi. Yeah, we’re going to have mofongo, arroz con fideos, langosta con mantiquilla de chicharron, y cocoa de yogurt, and you konw, Yon Madden?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yon? John Madden?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. Yon Madden, man. You know, he always make a turducken, man. [Cut to David Ortiz] That’s a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken. I’m gonna make a mofunguin. That’s a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin. yeah. It’s a big mofongo too, so you’re gonna need a big-ass penguin.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: From the zoo, bro. You know what they say, happy feet, happy in stomach.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, they don’t.

David Ortiz: Yeah, eating penguin.

Colin Jost: No one says that. Now, you’re retired from baseball, obviously. I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot more ads on TV.

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, man. [pointing his own mouth] This one. Yeah, that’s why I do product plugs.

Colin Jost: Product plugs? You plug products on TV?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I tell you which products have plugs. [Cut to David Ortiz.] Lamps, that’s-a got a plug. Toaster, that’s-a got a plug too. Hamster wheel, that don’t need a plug. It’s-a got a hamster. [Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost] You see, it’s very educational.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I learned a lot.

David Ortiz: I also do ads for little scissors.

Colin Jost: Little Caesar’s, pizza?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. Little scissors. [Cut to David Ortiz] Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby? Or cut the toenail of a Prima Donna Iguana? Reach for little scissors. But don’t give it to a monkey, he might cut your peepee.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow.

David Ortiz: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks. I can visualize it. Thank you. So, do you have any adds running in the Super Bowl?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one for a new sponsor, a product for everybody.

Colin Jost: Everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah. [Cut to David Ortiz] Are you really self-conscious about your body? And are you a manatee? Well, why not wear a Mana-T? A t-shirt a fat manatee can wear when he goes swimming but it no help with the boat propeller. No, no, no. Hey, do you know how the manatee got so fat?

Colin Jost: How did manatee got fat? No. How?

David Ortiz: From eating wasa cocoa con questo frito. It’s no good for manatees.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s not good for humans either.

David Ortiz: Yeah, not good for anybody.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, I predict I’m going to really enjoy Lady Haha. [Cut to David Ortiz] and I tell you this, I never bet against the Falcons. Not after Falcons tore my cousin to pieces. So? If I had to predict the final score, I’d say Falcons- 1cousin, Patriots- 100 mofongos.

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost– Not yet. Oops, sorry. I started ending it.

David Ortiz: Oh, I just leave now. Okay. Bye bye.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Big Papi, everyone. Sorry. I thought we were—

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] You just saved my job. [Colin Jost laughing]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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