Colin Jost
Michael Che
Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This year Weekend Update held a nation wide contest to find a new meteorologist. The winner really amazed us. So, making her live television debut is our own Dawn Lazarus.
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]
[cheers and applause]
Dawn! So, what’s the weather looking like?
Dawn Lazarus: And hello and thank you to you. Let’s have a look in at that weekend. Big sunny skies for you. Let’s pop it all the way next week and yeah, that’s a wow. Pressure’s gonna push it and it’ll come down 10 times.
[Cut to Michael Che looking disappointed]
Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sorry. What was that?
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]
Dawn Lazarus: Well, I’ll tell ya’. Rain is on that way, but hey, can it hold on for a few more days? Can it? You bet it. The sunny skies will push it away and clouds– [clears throat] Excuse me. That sunny skies will push it away them clouds, starting from Thursday.
[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]
Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t get it, man. You were really good in the audition. But this is very different.
Dawn Lazarus: first time it’s on that cameras and it’s a big nervous one, okay?
Michael Che: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see. So, I think you were saying something about rain on the way? Is that right? Is that true?
Dawn Lazarus: Yup.
Michael Che: Can you– Can you say more about the rain?
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]
Dawn Lazarus: Yup. Precipitations is going to have it. And if I’m you, cancel that picnic and get out that umbrella. Whoo! In the map, we got it wet from here all the way in here. And, sky, sky, sky.
Michael Che: Alright, well, we gave that a shot. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 5 at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The White House celebrated Cinco De Mayo on Friday by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico. [Picture changes to ICE deporting people]
[Cut to Micahel Che. there’s a picture of baseball field at right top corner.]
Micahel Che: Major league baseball condemned the unacceptable radical slurs yelled at Orioles outfielder Adam Jones during a game in Boston. Because the only pace for racism in baseball is on the hats. [picture changes to Chief Wahoo hat] In total, 34 people were removed from Fenway park. You know how comfortably racist a has to be for 34 strangers to look around and say, “I think I can yell the N word here”?
[Picture changes to Adam Jones and Curt Schilling]
Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said he believed that Jones is lying. Come on, Curt, is that really hard to believe? Of course not everybody in Boston is racist. Not everybody in San Francisco is gay. But if Adam Jones said 34 dudes at a Giants’ game yelled “Yas, Queen”, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s actually pretty low for San Francisco.”
[Picture changes to a rifle and Oklahoma state]
Law makers in Oklahoma want to make it legal for gun owners to– Oh, I’m sorry. I think we are getting some breaking news.
[Cut to Weekend Update Break’n Hnews intro]
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather new set]
Dawn Lazarus: God, boy. It’s a major big-big at tropical hurricane. We’re talking yikes and wind.
[Cut to Micahel Che]
Micahel Che: Dawn, you are back? Why are you back?
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]
Dawn Lazarus: Let’s have at that, threeD threeD. Look at wind speeds gat a woosh? And it’s in danger.
[Cut to Micahel Che]
Micahel Che: Is it even hurricane season right now?
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]
Dawn Lazarus: Ha!
[Cut to Micahel Che]
Micahel Che: Did you make up a hurricane because you are nervous?
[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]
Dawn Lazarus: You bet ya’. And that’s about that your neck in the woods.
[Cut to Micahel Che]
Micahel Che: Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus everybody.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though, because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania. [Michael Che laughing]
[picture changes to Penn Station in New York]
A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters, an event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’
