Weekend Update Elizabeth Warren


Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, senator Elizabeth Warren was asked to stand down on the senate floor while reading a letter by Coretta SCott King. Here to comment is Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. Good morning to you both and thank you. This isn’t gonna be fun but it is necessary. So, let’s start right in.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Let’s do that. Now, senator, how did you feel about being told to sit down by Mitch McConnell?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, well, he did try to shut me up but nevertheless, I persisted in making trigger my B. I will never stop rooting out corruption. Which brings me to my first point, anchor Jost. We begin with the simple yes or no question. It says here that you and Michael Che are credited as full cast members on the show, is that correct?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you questioning me?

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. And yet, you’ve only performed in a 10 minute segment entitled, [looking through papers] sorry I have it here, it’s called Weekend Update. Is that– Yes?

Colin Jost: That’s correct. Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: And yet, you collect the same paycheck of a cast member who appears throughout the entire show. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s interesting.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not really the way it works, senator.

Elizabeth Warren: And is it not also true that you are currently a board member for Goldman Sachs?

Colin Jost: That is not true. NO.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright.

Colin Jost: Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Elizabeth Warren: I think it’s the hair.

Colin Jost: It feels like you’re always working, you’re always on the job senator. Aren’t there other democrats who can help you out with this?

Elizabeth Warren: No. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] It’s just me, Bernie and Schumer. That’s Amy Schumer. Which brings me to my next order of business now. Anchor Jost, is it not true that as a television personality [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] you’ve received freebies and swag bags from such companies as Popchips Chapstick and Jamba Juice?

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, occasionally, yeah, we get free stuff, but we don’t let it affect what we do. Right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking Jamba Juice]

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yet, let the record show that Che is guzzling a Razzmatazz smoothie.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. You really do not stop, senator?

Elizabeth Warren: No, I do not. My Fit Bit says ‘Check Engine’

Colin Jost: Have you always been this way?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, actually I have. IN middle school, I was the girl who would do this. “Excuse me, excuse me, he’s writing on the desk!”

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s really fun. Now, you weren’t able to prevent any of Trump’s nominees. They all got confirmed.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright, excuse me. I am glad that you brought up president Trump. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I would now like to read a letter from the avclub.com concerning the time that Donald Trump hosted this–

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, actually, we’re out of time. Sorry.

Elizabeth Warren: Am I being silenced? Mr. Chairman, I suggest the absence of the quorum.

Colin Jost: There is no quorum here. Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: Check twitter in two minutes.

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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