Colin Jost
Eric… Alex Moffatt
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]
Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.
Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.
Colin Jost: I know.
Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.
[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Eric: I drove the golf car!
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.
Eric: Ta.
Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.
Eric: I got a sunburn.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.
Eric: It doesn’t fit.
Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.
Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.
Eric: I’m hungry.
Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.
[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]
Eric: Alright!
[Eric eats them]
Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.
Eric: I’m thirsty.
Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.
Eric: Sorry.
Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!
Eric: What did I do?
Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.
Colin Jost: He figured it out.
Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.
Eric: And dad!
Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?
Eric: Yes, he does.
Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?
Eric: Yeah.
Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.
Eric: I’m tired.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?
Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?
Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.
Eric: Aww!
Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.
Eric: And I’m Eric!
