Colin Jost
Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week attorney general Jeff Sessions testified before house judiciary committee over Trump campaign’s contact with Russia. Here to comment is Jeff Sessions.
[Jeff Sessions slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Jeff Sessions: Hello. Hot potato! Good to see you, Colin.
Colin Jost: Good to see you, Jeff.
Jeff Sessions: When I say ‘I do not”, you say ‘Recall’. I do not–
Audience: Recall.
Jeff Sessions: I do not.
Audience: Recall.
Jeff Sessions: Ha! Thank you.
Colin Jost: That’s great.
Jeff Sessions: Now, that’s a recall and response, Colin. My catch phrase.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you said that a lot during testimony. Do you really not remember meeting with George Papadopoulos about Russia?
Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, Colin, I’ve actually had some memory problems stemming from a childhood trauma.
Colin Jost: A childhood trauma? What was that?
[Cut to Jeff Sessions]
Jeff Sessions: Oh, the passing of the civil rights act.
[Cut to Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Alright. I’m gonna ask you some questions now, attorney general Sessions. I’m asking questions. Do you think you can answer then truthfully?
Jeff Sessions: Yeb.
Colin Jost: Did you just say yeb?
Jeff Sessions: Nobe.
Colin Jost: Did you meet any Trump surrogates with Russia?
Jeff Sessions: I do not recall. [whispering] You know I recall.
Colin Jost: Do you remember Mr. Papadopoulos mentioning the Russian government?
Jeff Sessions: Um, I do not remember him talking about Russia. [whispering] I remember everything.
Colin Jost: And you’re under pressure from president Trump to investigate the Clinton foundation. Do you think you’ll investigate.
Jeff Sessions: Well, actually, I do not believe that there is enough evidence at this time. [whispering] We’re definitely gonna do it.
Colin Jost: Okay. At some point, you actually have to stop lying because you are under oath. You know? I mean, you could go to jail. [Jeff Sessions stops moving] Mr. Sessions? Mr. Sessions, are you playing dead?
[Jeff Sessions has a tail. His tail is carrying a board that says “Yes”.]
Jeff Sessions: Oh, tail. That’s my possum tail. You ratted me out again. Get down, tail! He’s crazy but he’s family.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, with all this going on, I’m sure you are looking forward to thanksgiving?
Jeff Sessions: Absolutely, my cousin Linda from the possum side of the family just had a litter of nine babies. They are so cute. Oh, man, you could just eat them up. And we’re gonna et at least four of them. We go overboard on the holidays, Colin.
Colin Jost: Well, thank you very much for coming by, Mr. Sessions.
Jeff Sessions: Well, thank you for having me so much. And in collusion, happy thanksgiving, everybody.
Colin Jost: Jeff sessions, everyone.
Jeff Sessions: I do not recall!
