Weekend Update- Laura Parsons on the 2017 Oscars & Trans Rights


Michael Che

Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news

Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?

Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons] [singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?

That’s how people sing in Hollywood.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?

Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!

Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?

Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?

Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?

Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?

Laura Parsons: I think so.  [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?

Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?

Michael Che: Not really.

Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: How do you know–

Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!

Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?

Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.

Michael Che: That’s very nice.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!

Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.

Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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