Weekend Update- LaVar Ball


Michael Che

Lavar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is two weeks in and the Los Angeles Lakers are off to a good, but not a great start, led by rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to give his take is Lonzo’s outspoken father, Lavar Ball.

[Lavar Ball slides in]

Lavar Ball: Whoo! [Colin Jost laughing] How you doing, Michael? I told you it would happen. The Lakers are the best team ever. Never lost.

Michael Che: They’re not the best team ever. They are only like 5 and 7. And you already promised that Lonzo would be bigger than Kobe Bryant?

Lavar Ball: You damn right.

Michael Che: Lonzo is averaging just over eight points a game. I mean that’s not bad, but that’s not up to the level of Kobe Bryant.

Lavar Ball: Man, don’t talk to me about no Kobe Bryant. [Cut to Lavar Ball] My offspring is going to rule the world. Just look at me. I’m a giant. Full head of hair. 12 fingers. I can pull a tractor trailer 20 miles over a mounting using using only my junk! And I’m the only man on earth who has ever eaten just one lays potato chip.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: So, I’m assuming you still think Lonzo is going to win MVP?

Lavar Ball: Oh, man, he is going to win more than that. [Cut to Michael Che] He’s going to win the dunk contest, the three-point shooting contest, every single power ball jackpot and he will be named America’s next top model, all while wearing the signature ZO twos.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Oh, I forgot that Lonzo already has his own sneaker that cost $500. How are those selling, by the way?

Lavar Ball: None of your business. Right now, I’m focused on my TV show ‘Ball and the Family.’

Michael Che: Oh, yeah. Is that the show that airs on Facebook?

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right it’s on Facebook. [Cut to Lavar Ball] Coz it’s the biggest show in the world. A million likes. A half million surprising faces. It’s the only show you can watch while you look at you friend’s kids halloween costumes. The whole ball family is on there. Lonzo, Liangelo, La Mellow, and my long lost Mexican son, Letaco.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: You know, I saw Liangelo got into a little trouble this week when he was caught shoplifting in China.

Lavar Ball: What? Come on! [Cut to Lavar Ball] Why my boy need to do shoplifting for when he’s just about to put out his own million dollar sneaker? Introducing Liangelo’s Legeno 20s.

[Lavar Ball pulls out a pair of sneakers to show] Each one cost $700,000. That’s right. Each sneaker. You can only buy one of them at a time. Never a pair. [shouting at Michael Che’s ear] Never a pair!

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Why are they so expensive?

Lavar Ball: Coz each Legeno 12 comes fully loaded with power laces, [cut to Lavar Ball] a Bose 24 sound system, and the world’s finest chicken rotisserie cooker.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: A rotisserie cooker?

Lavar Ball: Chicken rotisserie.

Michael Che: I also heard that you pulled La Mellow out of school and you are home schooling him now?

Lavar Ball: Oh, that’s right. And the results are amazing. [Cut to Lavar Ball] I worked with the boy only two hours and he opened his own successful business. A French restaurant called La Mellow’s La Magnificent. Michelin 10-star rated. And the best rotisserie chicken cooked to perfection by the new Ligelo 20s. [Michael Che laughing] [microwave bell sound]

Oh, it’s ready, Michael. [Lavar Ball pulls out a chicken drum stick out of the shoes and gives it to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Lavar Ball:  There you go.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Lavar Ball: That’s for you. That will be $750,000, please.

Michael Che: Lamar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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