Colin Jost
Leslie Jones
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: Well, summer is just around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] And many people are planning their summer vacations. Not at a Penn Station. Here with her thought is someone who recently went on a vacation to Rome, Leslie Jones.
[Michael Che slides in]
Michael Che: Whoo! Yo! [singing] I want to give you some good, good loving.
Yeah, hello, Colin Jost.
Colin Jost: Wow, Colin Jost? That’s very formal, Leslie. I was expecting something like, “You little vanilla bean.”
Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. I don’t need to do that anymore because I am no longer thirsty. [Cut to Michael Che] Finally, the national crisis is over. I met someone. [cheers and applause] Now, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this to you before, but I have a little trouble in the men department. So, I did what any black woman with man trouble, free time and a passport would do. I went to Jamaica. And I did everything. I got my hair braided, I smoked a little weed, coconut oiled myself up, smoked a whole lot more weed. I put on a little Allen dress with the fringes that make your booty look thick.
[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Nice. So, would you say it sort of like, got your groove back?
[Michael Che stares at Colin Jost angrily]
Michael Che: Never say that again. [Colin Jost nods his head] Look at me. Never.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry.
[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: So, I went to the club and in the five minutes that I was not looking, a real man walked up the stairs and found me and it was on! Ha-ha! We tore that place up, man! You know what I’m saying?
[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]
Ah-hah!
Colin Jost: I think yes, I know what you’re saying. Tell me more about it.
Michael Che: Let me- let me explain.
Colin Jost: Yes, please. Details. Details.
Michael Che: Let me explain. [inhales] For what he did to me in that shower, [smiles] I should be in a tiny room with a tiny table sitting at a tiny chair writing on a tiny piece of paper in tiny letters.
[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait, why?
Michael Che: Because it was a secret, Colin. [yelling] Whooo! We did the ‘do not’ everywhere. On the balcony, in the hammock. In the cliffs with a bunch of sea creatures everywhere. Colin, have you ever had sex with a bunch of crabs watching you?
Colin Jost: I have not.
Michael Che: Ha-ha! Them crabs was like, [Michael Che moving sideways like crabs, but with a shocked face.] Now… [Colin Jost laughing hard] [Cut to Michael Che] I used to hate when my friends would say, “You are not going to find a man until you stop looking.” Because I was always looking. I was advertising my ass like one of them Beginsu knives. “This booty can do everything. It can cut through a can and still slice through a tomato afterwards.” But in Jamaica, I finally realized that I didn’t need to try so hard. All I needed to do was be me.
[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I think that’s a great advice. I think I’m really happy to hear that. And I just– I don’t know. I just feel a little left out, I guess.
Michael Che: Aw, Colin. You always find a way to bring it back to you, don’t you? Selfish ass. [Colin Jost laughing] You delicious coconut milkshake.
Colin Jost: Aw, thank you.
Michael Che: You will always be my vanilla back up.
Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s really nice.
Michael Che: And you can always come over and watch me like one of those crabs.
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
