Weekend Update Leslie Jones

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Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, summer is just around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] And many people are planning their summer vacations. Not at a Penn Station. Here with her thought is someone who recently went on a vacation to Rome, Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Whoo! Yo! [singing] I want to give you some good, good loving.

Yeah, hello, Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Wow, Colin Jost? That’s very formal, Leslie. I was expecting something like, “You little vanilla bean.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. I don’t need to do that anymore because I am no longer thirsty. [Cut to Michael Che] Finally, the national crisis is over. I met someone. [cheers and applause] Now, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this to you before, but I have a little trouble in the men department. So, I did what any black woman with man trouble, free time and a passport would do. I went to Jamaica. And I did everything. I got my hair braided, I smoked a little weed, coconut oiled myself up, smoked a whole lot more weed. I put on a little Allen dress with the fringes that make your booty look thick.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nice. So, would you say it sort of like, got your groove back?

[Michael Che stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Michael Che: Never say that again. [Colin Jost nods his head] Look at me. Never.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, I went to the club and in the five minutes that I was not looking, a real man walked up the stairs and found me and it was on! Ha-ha! We tore that place up, man! You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Ah-hah!

Colin Jost: I think yes, I know what you’re saying. Tell me more about it.

Michael Che: Let me- let me explain.

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Details. Details.

Michael Che: Let me explain. [inhales] For what he did to me in that shower, [smiles] I should be in a tiny room with a tiny table sitting at a tiny chair writing on a tiny piece of paper in tiny letters.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, why?

Michael Che: Because it was a secret, Colin. [yelling] Whooo! We did the ‘do not’ everywhere. On the balcony, in the hammock. In the cliffs with a bunch of sea creatures everywhere. Colin, have you ever had sex with a bunch of crabs watching you?

Colin Jost: I have not.

Michael Che: Ha-ha! Them crabs was like, [Michael Che moving sideways like crabs, but with a shocked face.] Now… [Colin Jost laughing hard] [Cut to Michael Che] I used to hate when my friends would say, “You are not going to find a man until you stop looking.” Because I was always looking. I was advertising my ass like one of them Beginsu knives. “This booty can do everything. It can cut through a can and still slice through a tomato afterwards.” But in Jamaica, I finally realized that I didn’t need to try so hard. All I needed to do was be me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think that’s a great advice. I think I’m really happy to hear that. And I just– I don’t know. I just feel a little left out, I guess.

Michael Che: Aw, Colin. You always find a way to bring it back to you, don’t you? Selfish ass. [Colin Jost laughing] You delicious coconut milkshake.

Colin Jost: Aw, thank you.

Michael Che: You will always be my vanilla back up.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s really nice.

Michael Che: And you can always come over and watch me like one of those crabs.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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