Alex Bregman[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week, the Houston Astros won the world series in an epic matchup with the Dodgers. Here to talk about it is new baseball fan, Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]
Leslie Jones: What’s up, Colin?
Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? I didn’t know you were such a big Yankees fan.
Leslie Jones: Yes, I am, you bountiful snowman. For all the wrong reasons. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Okay? I love to see those fine men in their tight little pin stripe pants. You should hear me at the game. Hey, Gary Sanchez, when you going to come hit this [pointing at herself] out the park? Hey, Gregorius, you can round my bases any time because you are greg-gorgeous. I am a die hard fan, Colin. Look at this pic of me at this game. [Cut to a picture of an on-going baseball game] yeah. There is Gary Sanchez at bat, and there is me looking at that ass. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Call me, Gary. That net can’t keep us apart. not for long.
Colin Jost: Well, you must have been pretty upset then when Yankees lost in the ALCS to the Astros.
Leslie Jones: Urgh! Colin! We was so close. One game away from the world series. Colin, have you ever gotten so close to something only to have it taken from you?
Colin Jost: Um, I don’t know.
Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s coz you white. You get every damn thing. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I was mad as hell. Okay? That little Altuve hit all those home runs against us. The bat is bigger than him. And the MVP George Springer, he is Panamian and Puerto Rico. His name is George Springer. Come on, man! That’s the name of a goofy mattress salesman.[George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman walk in from the behind] [Cheers and applause]
George Springer: Excuse me, how is that? What was that? Y’all let me know.
Colin Jost: George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman.
Leslie Jones: Whooo! Class the pearl.
George Springer: Well, since we already know that you don’t actually watch baseball, we would really like to give you a gift today.
Leslie Jones: Umm, okay. You can give me anything you want.
Alex Bregman: This is an Astros swag so you can hop on the bang wagon too.[Alex Bregman gives Leslie Jones Astros jersey.]
Leslie Jones: Oh, whatever. Oh, this is so–
Jose Altuve: [passing Leslie Jones a baseball] How do you like it?
Leslie Jones: Oh, I like balls. [George Springer gives Leslie Jones a baseball cap] I love it. I love it.
Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s funny coz actually Leslie was–
Leslie Jones: [yelling] Shut up, Colin. I know what I said, but these men are fine as hell. I take it all back. Oh, congratulations, you guys. I loved watching you all win.[cheers and applause]
I thought it was so sweet that Correa proposed to his girlfriend after the game. I mean, it’s so romantic. [looks at Jose Altuve] It looks like this dude is on one knee right now.
George Springer: It’s not Jose’s fault he’s short.
Leslie Jones: Oh, that’s okay. Come here, baby, let me tell you something. [Leslie Jones takes a seat and Jose Altuve sits on Leslie Jones’s laps.] Yeah! Whoo! Now, this is not something I usually say at all, I mean never, but good things do come in small packages.
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones and world champions Houston Astros. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.