Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that… it is a lot. Everything people said Donald Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should have been, “Yes, we can.” “You can’t ban Muslims.” “Yes, we can.” Just two weeks as president and he’s putting up walls, he’s kicking people out. Trump is gut-renovating the country like it’s a crackhouse on ‘Flip or Flop.’ 18 in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was eight years ago. Back then, it was crazy. We had a black president, it was weird.
Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders but that’s only because Donald Trump doesn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like somebody, you don’t want to see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside White House demanding tacos.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gavel at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A federal judge last night temporarily blocked president Trump’s travel ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it because for him, getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.
The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying, “They’re not banning Muslims. They’re just banning people from seven Muslim majority nations.” Which is sort of like saying, “We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who love ‘La La Land’. Maybe they’re white, we don’t know.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Muslim moon and star at right top corner.]
Michael Che: They’re definitely white.
Colin Jost: Yeah.
Michael Che: Trump says the ban is to prevent radical Islamic terrorists in American. First of all, what is radical Islam? That’s too subjective of term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. Now to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical. Also, how are we supposed to find terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of the almost 2 billion people? I mean, there’s 2 billion people that drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like thousand times more people than radical Islam. But the only difference is, alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw a pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, “I hope he’s just using that thing to hide booze.”[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended president Trump’s travel ban by referencing what she called the bowling green massacre, which is terrorist attack that never happened. In response, congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the bowling green massacre.[picture changes to Australian flag and earth]
In a phone call with Australia’s prime minister, president Trump called a plan to accept more than thousand refugees from the country ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with 20% import tax on Hemsworth brothers. [picture changes to Chris and Liam Hemsworth] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Australian flag and earth at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Donald Trump’s call with the Australian prime minister got so heated, he had to send in Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their ambassador. [laughing] What? I mean, using Steve Bannon to help you smooth things over? But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t want to do, I’d probably do the same thing. It’s like, “Who cares? It’s Australia, isn’t it still like, yesterday there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.”
Earlier tonight, FOX news teased an interview where Bill O’Reilly questioned president Trump about Vladimir Putin and let’s take a look at it.[Cut to the interview]
Bill O’Reilly: Putin’s a killer.
Donald Trump: A lot of killers. We’ve got a lot of killers. What? Do you think our country is so innocent?[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: So the sitting president of the United States just said that the US government is a bunch of killers? I mean, he’s not wrong. But he’s supposed to sugarcoat it, man! Come on! If your kid’s doe dies, you don’t tell him, “It got hit by a car.” You tell him, “It went to a state up farm.” You don’t– [sigh] Listen, [laughing] [Colin Jost laughing] Shut up, Colin. [Colin Jost laughing harder] If your kid’s dog dies, you tell it went state up to a farm. You don’t tell him you put it down because it bit a lady with a good lawyer. Shut up, Colin.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I think one interesting thing right now is how much we’re learning about government and the world from Trump. Like before this, I never knew who the prime minister of Australia was because our president had never hung up on him before. We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats and which Muslim countries have Trump Hotels. We’re even learning about important historical events that never happened. Like that day that will live in infamy. February 35th, ‘nineteen hundred and a hundred and thirty’. And we’re learning that Frederick Douglass is alive and well. [Picture changes to Donald Trump speaking about Frederick Douglas] And that, “He is doing an mazing job and getting recognized more and more, trump noticed.” And we’re definitely learning about cheks and balances because this is all becoming a dark, gritty reboot of ‘Schoolhouse Rock’, where a bill becomes a law on its own terms.
[Michael Che laughing]