Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.
[Picture changes to three men]
Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.
[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]
On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.]
[Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]
A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”
