Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]
We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jung-Un who actually describes himself as Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago, North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off, it immediately exploded. North Korean claimed the failed launch was actually just a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.[Picture changes to Mike Pence]
As tensions have mounted between the US and North Korea, vice president Mike Pence was sent to South Korean even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea, Florida.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: In an interview, president Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president saying, “After listening for 10 minutes I realized it’s not so easy.” Which part? The North Korea part or the listening for 10 minutes part? Also, nothin says “I wasn’t really listening” more than saying “I listen for 10 minutes.” You’re never gonna hear “I listen for 10 minutes and I know karate.” You can’t just have listened and politely nod to the president of China like he’s asking to check out his new mixtape.
Colin Jost: This week, our military dropped the mother of all bombs in Afghanistan. The bomb cost $sixteen million and reportedly took out 94 members of ISIS. Which doesn’t sound that efficient. But remember, FOX News spent $13 million just to get rid of five women.[Picture changes to Afghanistan map]
The bomb hit ISIS-K which is a regional division of ISIS and coincidentally Kellogg’s least popular breakfast cereal.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Xi Jinping at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump gave an exclusive interview to Fox business recounting his meeting with the Chinese President. Let’s take a look.[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]
Donald Trump: I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We’re now having dessert. We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen.[Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: First of all, you don’t know what cakes I’ve seen. [cheers and applause] And second, maybe you should take it easy on the cake. You already got a butt like an Atlanta Stripper. But, Trump eventually got back on track and gave us the important, specific details.[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]
Donald Trump: So, what happens is I said we just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq.
Interviewer: But it was heading to Syria.
Donald Trump: Yes, heading towards Syria.[cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Are you sure bro? That part’s kind of important. Trump runs the country like Homer Simpson runs the power plant. We’re asking about missile strikes and he is thinking, “Mmm, cake.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mar-A-Lago resort.]
Colin Jost: Florida health inspectors have issues 13 violations against president Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t worried since he built up immunity to most diseases from a life time of waiters spitting in his food.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of behind of Donald Trump walking at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The secret service requested a $60 million budget increase on top of $74 million already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s $134 million for protection. Are you getting them all Iron Man suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in New York city apartment in the projects during the crack 80s. And all we had for protection was a pitbull and praying grandmother. And if one of us got hurt, that was just god’s plan, baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and move on.[Picture changes to Ben Carson]
Dr. Ben Carson tore the housing complex this week and got stuck in an elevator where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons. [Picture changes to elevator’s floor buttons] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Dr. Carson said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he got stuck on this escalator. [Picture changes to Ben Carson on stairs] [Picture changes to a scorpion.]
In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday, a passenger on one of their flights, somehow this is true, was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin and that was the best thing that happened on a United Airlines this week. The way worse story of course was this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for their United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the friendly skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘you are going to have an easy time on the toilet.’
Though, I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ I’ll say, after all of this, I will never fly United ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to where I’m going. In which case, I will definitely fly United.