Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.]
[Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]
October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]
Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.]
[Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]
And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.
