Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well, it’s almost the one year anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected president. And to celebrate, Robert Mueller threw him a surprise party. [Picture changes to an article saying ‘Trump associates indicted’] After the indictment, [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] a former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort who also played shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore’, it was reported that Manafort has three US passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So, I don’t know what he is guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions. Except, maybe Santa Claus.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe and the unfair news coverage probably and I’m sure he brought up the crooked Hillary again. Look, I gotta be honest, I can’t read anymore of this guy’s tweets. I’m tired of watching the president of the United States having emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. [Picture changes to Tyrese Gibson’s emotional breakdown video] It’s embarrassing. Look, if you wanna live tweet Morning Joe or Cup Cake Wars or whatever else you watch, fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, your clip on tie and fold your hair up nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. Okay? I mean, what are you doing on Twitter? We shouldn’t have to wonder if our president is communicating with us from his toilet.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In response to the terrorist attacks this week in Manhattan, president Trump has promised to end ‘The diversity immigrant visa lottery,’ which by the way was named in order to make Fox News viewers heads explode. Obviously, this attack was awful but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean, we don’t look at Trump and say, “We should get rid of all presidents.”
Republicans also– [cheers and applause] Thank you. Republicans also released their tax plan this week, which explains why Paul Ryan has been rock hard since Thursday. Ryan said that under the new tax plan, a family of four would save over $1,000 while this family [picture changes to Donald Trump’s family picture] would save like, a billion.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. I don’t want simple taxes because it probably means I will have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes on a bunch of different papers with a bunch of questions so I can lie. When somebody tells you, “Hey, I got a great tax guy”, they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes very simple. They mean, “You are about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Advisors who are planning president Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines and prefers familiar foods like well done steak and ice cream. And they’d also like easier maxes on his place mat. Now, I don’t know if this trip is going to be good for international relations. But it’s definitely going to be great for comedy. Coz, we’re sending this guy to Asia.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech video]
Donald Trump: Bing bing, bong bong.[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I mean, what could go wrong?