Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Well, Colin, this week we all got to explain our parents what a golden shower is. Well, explain it to our moms coz my dad was like, “Golden shower? Oh, the war.”
Buzzfeed reported unverified claims that Russia got their hands on some compromising information on Donald Trump to blackmail him. But the problem with unverified claims is no matter how unverified they are, if it’s hilarious enough, people will remember it as fact. Which is why when someone mentions Richard Gere to me, I don’t think “Pretty Woman.” I think Gerbil.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Donald Trump blamed intelligence agencies for allowing the Russian dossier to leak, tweeting “Are we living in Nazi Germany?” Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to stand up to Russia.
On Wednesday, president elect Donald Trump held his first official press conference. And like a golden shower, it was a mess that covered everything. Trump only spoke for eight minutes, yet he somehow covered 4,000 topics. And at that point, it was journey to paper mountain. Trump said that the documents were evidence that he’s stepping away from his business. But it looked like evidence that he’s a hoarder. How does he have that much paper and none of it is tax returns? I’ll tell you this, I think we’re in good shape if Trump destroys ISIS the way he destroyes trees.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Trump refused to answer questions from CNN by doing this.[Cut to Donald Trump ignoring CNN from asking question.
Donald Trump: Your organization is terrible.
CNN reporter: You are attacking our news organization. Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir?
Donald Trump: [to other reporter] Go ahead.
CNN reporter: Sir, can you give us a question?
Donald Trump: Don’t be– No, I’m not gonna give you a question. I’m not gonna give you a question. You are fake news.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: I know I’m not supposed to like that guy, but damn that was funny. The president-elect just called CNN fake news live on CNN. And the only thing CNN could do back was say, “Sir? Sir? Sir?” It was like the dude from ‘Blues Brotheres.’ “Sir?”
Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet and he’s already made enemies of the CIA, the FBI, and the national media. That’s ballsy. You still got to be president, dude. You need these people. You can’t just walk into a restaurant and insult the waiter, the chef and then say, “I would like to order a good clam chowder.”[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Stever Harvey]
Family Feud host Steve Harvey met with Donald Trump on Friday to discuss Harvey’s possible involvement with housing and urban development. Ah! I would give anything just to listen to what those meetings are gonna like. [mocking Steve Harvey] “We asked a hundred black folks, name five things wrong with the projects. Show them roaches.” Dude, you’re a real estate tycoon. You couldn’t think of anybody more qualified for housing and development than Steve Harvey? It feels like every decision that Donald Trump makes starts with the sentence, “Yo, you know what would be hilarious?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US Capitol at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week, republicans began the process of repealing Obamacare even though they have no plan ready to replace it. How do republicans not have a plan ready? They’ve been waiting for this moment for six years. It’s like if at end of the movie Rudy, if the coach finally pointed at Rudy to go into the game and Rudy was sitting there blackout drunk in his underwear, and then he like, tried to run on the field and tripped and broke his neck, and he can’t get health care because that’s a preexisting condition.
Michael Che: Alabama senator Jeff Beaurgard Sessions… every time I say his name, I feel like I’m wearing some spindles. Anyway, Sessions testified before congress as part of his nomination process for attorney general. The whole hearing was just the committee trying to get Sessions to admit he’s a racist which is ridiculous because even if he is a racist, he’s never going to say it. I mean, [Picture changes to Kramer] even Kramer walked offstage like, “They were weird tonight, right?” If you want to know if Jeff Sessions is a racist, I don’t know, you gotta get his cleaning lady drunk or something and ask her. The only person I ever heard actually say that they were a racist was me. Twice. Once on this show and once to get out of Jury Duty.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama putting a medal on Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In an emotional ceremony, president Obama awarded Joe Biden the presidential medal of freedom and thanked him for his decades of service to the country. Biden was overwhelmed and also embarrassed because the thank you gift he got for Obama was just a homemade coupon for back rub.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s adorable.