Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of thanksgiving turkey at left top corner.]
Thursday is thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you are a human woman. [Picture changes to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Louis C. K, Al Franken and Roy Moore] [Picture changes to Al Franken and Leeann Tweeden when she was a kid.]
Senator Al Franken is being accused of sexual misconduct on a 2006 USO tour by Leeann Tweeden who posted this photo of Franken apparently groping her breasts while she was asleep. Now, I looked this photo. I know this photo looks bad. But remember, it also is bad. And sure, this was taken before Franken ran for public office, but it was also taken after he was a sophomore in high school. It’s pretty hard to be like, “Oh, come on. He didn’t know any better. He was only 55.[Picture changes to Tweeden]
Tweened is also claiming that Franken has forced her to kiss him as a part of a rehearsal for a comedy sketch they were performing for the troops. Come on, man. Didn’t the troops in Afghanistan have it hard enough without having to sit through sketch comedy? I mean, people can barely stay up to watch sketches after Weekend Update.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Al Franken at right top corner.]
Michael Che: And without even looking, you can bet that president Trump called out Franken and not Roy Moore who is accused of way worse by the way. But Franken is a liberal and Trump in more conservatives. And in this country, everybody has to pick a side except for me. I think they are all bitches. I don’t even know what side I would be on if I had to pick. I mean, maybe I’m a liberal because I live in a gay neighborhood. But then, maybe I’m conservative, because I’ll never want to live in a black neighborhood again. Also, why are republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It’s not like he wrote the remix to Ignition. [Picture changes to R. Kelly] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeremy Piven at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed int hte shocking documentary “Entourage.”
Michael Che: This week, house of republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from multibillionaires all the way down to regular old millionaires. Like, Colin. The bill relies heavily on trickle down economics, but don’t worry, it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting catfished into voting republicans? It’s like watching Forest Gump keep getting ditched by Jenny over and over again.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Paul Ryan also said the tax plan will increase take-home pay, grow the economy and sustain long-term opportunities. Increase, grow and sustain. Where have I seen those words before? Oh, I know, on those sex pills at the Deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the Deli and now I have to wear fake eyebrows.