Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School


Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school in Illinois has cancelled classed for second day after more than 800 students were out with a stomach bug. Which makes sense for a school whose Mascot is a worm-shrimp cocktail. Adorable.

[picture changes to Apple logo and an iPhone]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the iPhone. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Thank you, Apple, for helping me ignore my family. [joining hands emoji, apple emoji, handshake emoji, monkey closing eyes emoji and family emoji appears on screen]

Imagine how different our lives would be right now without iPhones. Without an iPhone you wouldn’t be able to see that your friend is calling and wait until they stop calling, and then text them, “Why are you calling?” Kids in America would have great posture. And kids in China would have a day off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ford logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m sure they’ll be building something. Ford has announced plans to start selling a new version of it’s classic Bronco SUV in twentytwenty. Hey, just in time for parole. [picture changes to OJ Simpson]

Did somebody say, “Whoo”?

[Picture changes to Chicago city]

A federal investigation concluded that the city of Chicago’s police officers used excessive force and unfairly target minorities. Oh, so that was the problem. You know, as a black dude that grew up in as Colin puts it, “the ghetto”, [Colin laughing] I never understood why cops don’t like us. We have so much in common with the police. We’re both portrayed negatively on the news. You can hear our cars from blocks away. Everyone gets nervous when they think we’re following them. We’re the only two people I know who can hop a fence in boots. We both bring our own guns to funerals. I can go on and on. But the biggest similarity is that black people don’t like being in crime infested areas either and I think that gets lost. That’s why I hate the term black on black crime because it makes it seem like it’s just a race issue. Which makes people who aren’t black check out. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a headline that said, “White woman cuts off white man’s penis”, I would be like, “Damn, white people are crazy. I’m glad I’m not white.” But if you took race out of it and the headline said instead, “Fed up woman cuts off cheating man’s penis,” I’d be like, “Oh, no, Colin, this affects us all.”

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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