Weekend Update on the AHCA

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, this week President Trump started building his wall, a wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare. The house voted to repeal and replace Obamacare and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement. I’m like, “Ah, I’m sure it’s fine.” Then suddenly, I’m dealing with a pre-exiting condition like that UMichael Che album they forced onto our phones. The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physician’s Alliance. Though, it did receive a rare thumbs up from the grim reaper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his people celebrating at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This picture of them celebrating is just so chilling. No minority can see all these old white dudes smiling and think, “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be great news for us.” They look like they just invented sickle cell. [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to American Healthcare Act logo.]

The new republican health bill would allow insurance companies to charge people higher premiums for 240 preexisting conditions. For reference, here is what 240 preexisting conditions look like. [Picture changes to an old white man] Insurance companies even defined pregnancy as a preexisting condition which baffles me because I have tried to convince a woman her pregnancy was preexisting condition and it does not hold up in court.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture American Healthcare Act logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some expect this will hurt republicans the midterm election since it will raise premium with older Americans and not cover people with preexisting conditions. And this is the worst part, the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second you thought it might be? Even the AARP criticized the republican bill saying the rushed changes make a bad bill even worse. It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup too hot’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Australian flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally, dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said the Australia has better healthcare than us. Why don’t we do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuffs from other countries all the time. Why not take working policies? Australia’s like, “Our healthcare system is amazing.” And we’re like, “Yeah, yeah. You got any more of them Hemsworths though?” President Trump said he would be honored to meet with Kim Jung Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who get’s the last pork chop. Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such bad thing. I mean, we finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like, the only person who can deal with my crazy uncle Jeff is my crazy uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together because we can all just enjoy a peaceful thanksgiving dinner while they are in the bathroom measuring.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.[

Colin Jost: President Trump’s re-election campaign has launched a new ad, touting the achievements of his first 100 days in office. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a list video. The list has ‘Gorsuch’, ‘Health care???’, ‘Cake’ and ‘Golf.’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is having a coffee]

Wow! I thought I had more time. Trump will take his first international trip as president this month visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose those three countries after Steve Bannon told a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a priest. And Trump was like, “I gotta meet these guys.”