Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well, good news for president Trump is that his tax plan just passed the senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it. Former national security advisor Michael Flynn pled guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as FOX News reported it, [Cut to FOX News article] “Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?” These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man pled guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, “Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? What a solid guy!”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Flynn at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President knew he had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our jobs for us. He said, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.” Ah, thanks man. I got it from here. So, you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction. Who is your lawyer? [Ppcture changes to Ty Cobb] Oh, right, the oatmeal guy. You know, the crazy thing is as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, “Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one”, at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does FBI need? They have a 95% conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confessional Twitter. So if this next Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn rolling some brother named ‘Lunch meat’s hair’, then dammit, I want the oatmeal guy as my lawyer too.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After news of Flynn’s pled, former director of FBI James Comey tweeted a biblical verse saying, “But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream”. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian P-tape.
The senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning, that experts say would add over $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was gonna run the country like a business, I just didn’t know he was gonna run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say that the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down. First from rich parents to their kids. And then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: You know, once republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. I mean, they already got what they wanted. I mean, it’s like– it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 AM without reading it the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like a family showing up to your hospital room saying, “Look, you need to sign this will tonight.” “Can I read it first?” “No time.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigate for unsolved murder. Could we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? I mean that any other time in history, the headline ‘President openly accuses a man of murder’ would probably make the front page. Now, it’s just part of a [Picture changes to newspaper articles] Wacky News Corner right next to Local Squirrel Learns Karate and North Korea Can Now Nuke All of US.[Picture changes to YouTube logo]
YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos due to disturbing content involving children. But if you still wanna watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate Race. [Picture changes to Roy Moore] [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Doug Jones]
Oh, yeah. Trump criticizes Roy Moore’s democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Statler from muppets.] But clearly, he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets. That’s the Chuck Schumer puppet.