Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?
Colin Jost: What’s up?
Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?
Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?
Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?
Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.[Cut to Pete Davidson]
Colin Jost: It’s great.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?
Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?
Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?
Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.
Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.
Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.
Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?
Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!