Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: There has also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Oh! Thank you. Hey, Colin. Thanks. Um, well, as some of you may know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. A form of depression. Depression affects more than like, 16 million people in this country. And there’s no like, cure per say. But for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. Like, first of all, if you think you are depressed, see a doctor and talk to them about medication.Also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a late night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, are you saying that you are depressed because you are not getting enough air time?
Pete Davidson: Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.
Colin Jost: I don’t know if this is maybe the best solution.
Pete Davidson: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I mean, come on! [Cut to Pete Davidson] This show is like eight hours long and there is fifty sketches a week. It seems weird you wouldn’t use one of them to fight mental illness. But I guess that’s not your style.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. But maybe one approach would be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.
Pete Davidson: That won’t work. [Cut to Pete Davidson] My sketches suck because they’re all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, it’s sort of like a chicken and the egg thing.
Pete Davidson: Exactly. [Cut to Pete Davidson] In fact, chicken and the egg was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also about black lives matter.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That sounds terrible.
Pete Davidson: It is. So, I need you to write it for me.
Colin Jost: Wait! You haven’t even written it yet?
Pete Davidson: No! I’m depressed. Look, here, [pulls out a paper] I have a doctor’s note. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’ll read it.
Colin Jost: For the air time?
Pete Davidson: Yes. [clearing throat] To whom it may concern. Please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos which I hear are actually really good. [Colin Jost and Michael Che laughing] This doctor is good, man!
Colin Jost: Sounds like a real doctor.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson’s doctor.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit– [cheers and applause] Also, I would like to point out Pete, that you like nothing like Rex Tillerson.
Pete Davidson: So, give me a mask. Like, what? He looks like a muppet fell in a lake. And that’s just one of the many jokes you will see next week on Pete Davidson’s First Impressions segment.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.