Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?
Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?
Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.
Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.]
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?
Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’
Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.
[Cut to Pete Davidson]
Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.
Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.
Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
[Michael Che laughing hard]
Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.
Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]
Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?
Pete Davidson: No, I am.
[Everyone laughing]
Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.
Pete Davidson: What did I say?
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!
