Pete Davidson[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Each week brings a new controversy of President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him to the media. Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson with his First Impressions.[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: Yeah. What up? Look, um, defending president Trump is really tough job. [Cut to Pete Davidson] A couple of weeks ago they brought out this guy. [There’s a picture of Steven Millar at right top corner.] Trump spokesman and Janes Bond villain Steve Miller. Poor Steve. He tries to project strength but he looks like Fredo Corleone had been even sicker as a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He’s made it pretty far for guy who is in high school voted “Most likely to have a cigar box full of missing girl’s driver’s licenses.” He lasted about a week. Then they got to deputy White House press secretary, [Picture changes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet southern girl you marry, if you’re gay. I like that one. [Michael Che laughing] So now, members of congress try to defend Trump, like the head of the house committee on oversight, [Picture changes to Jason Chaffetz] Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember him when he played simple Jack from the movie “Tropic Thunder.” [Picture changes to Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder] [Picture changes to Paul Ryan]
Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan who got to be the house after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. All the republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now he did, everybody hates it. And I know what this is like, because for years, people have been asking me to quit drugs and get sober. And now that I have, everyone thinks I’m very unfunny and boring. [Michael Che laughing] And hey, at least I have dreams now. And I’ve started waking up with boners again.[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Thank you very much. [looking at Michael Che] Hard as a rock.
Michael Che: Alright, man.
Pete Davidson: But now– [Michael Che laughing hard] Well, maybe not as great as your’s, but whatever. Sorry. But, you know– [Michael Che laughing hard] Sorry. But no one defends Trump better than FOX News. And it starts every morning with “FOX & Friends.” This is Donald Trump’s favorite show because they trade in for a new blond every two years. This year’s model is Ainsley Earhardt, who looks like she’s with her dad’s friends who keep talking about how much she’s grown.[Picture changes to Sean Hannity]
Of course, the king of Trump supporters if Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb which explains why he’s so far up Trump’s ass. [cheers and applause] I hate him too. I guess he likes Trump, because his hair is also really weird. And the top of his head looks like two eyebrows got to live their dream of being hair.[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]
Michael Che: Ah! So that’s what it is. Pete Davidson, everybody.
Pete Davidson: I’m getting boners again.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight!