Michael Che
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael Che: All this week confirmation hearings are taking place for Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees. Here to quickly sort them out with a segment called ‘First Impressions’, is Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]Pete Davidson: Hey, Che. How are you? Alright. So, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And democrats don’t like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was like, “Come on, Mitt Romney!” Look, I don’t know everything about politics, or anything for that matter. But I’m a pretty good judge of people based on my first impressions. So, here we go.
[There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at right top corner.]For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. A man who looks like Dobbie from ‘Harry Potter’, wished to be a real boy.
[Picture changes to Steven Mnuchin]Next, we got the nominee for Treasury. Metrosexual Apple genius bar worker, Steven Mnuchin. He’s a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like, “When I’ll have $1 billion, women will have sex with me.” Now he’s like, “Maybe a trillion.”
[Picture changes to Ben Carson]Next is Trump’s nominee for housing and urban development Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of housing because he lived in the projects as a child. Really? If you’re an expert on wherever you were born, does that mean I can be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry mom.
[Picture changes to Wilber Ross]For secretary of commerce, the pick is Wilber Ross. I’ve heard this guy’s a billionaire investor. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham’s lap. [Picture changes to Jeff Dunham and his puppet.] i knew I recognized him.
[Picture changes to Andrew Puzder]Trump’s pick for secretary of labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO of Hardy’s and now he’s gonna be in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know that’s a bad idea? Coz it’s the first time I’ve heard of the word Hardy’s in 15 years.
And then there’s Eric Trump. This guy is not in Trump’s cabinet but I couldn’t resist. His hair says 1985 but his face screams, “Put the lotion in the basket!”
[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]Michael Che: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions, everybody.
Pete Davidson: Put the lotion in the basket!
