Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

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Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face] [looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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