Colin Jost
Theresa May… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The British parliament erupted anger this week after president Trump retweeted anti-Muslim videos from a British hate group. Here to respond is British prime minister, Theresa May.
[Theresa May slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Theresa May: Yes. Hello, Colin. It’s lovely to be here. The United Kingdom sends it’s appreciation for a special friendship that we share.
Colin Jost: Really? Coz things seem to be a little tense right now between you and president Trump.
Theresa May: Um-hmm. But, you know the Brits. [Cut to Theresa May] Stiff upper lip. Then when dealing with Trump, it’s a kin to stiff upper lip, stiff lower lip, stiff neck, arms, legs and you’re pretty much playing dead. But the British people know I can give it as good as I get it. I’m not afraid of a little social media fisty caps.
[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. You and president. I saw you really got into it on Twitter.
Theresa May: Yes. And I’ve never felt more live. [Cut to Theresa May] I saw Trump’s offensive re-tweets and I’ve put that man on blast. Listen to this epic takedown. [clears her throat] “It is wrong for the president to have done this.” Savage! Flame emoji. I am practically a troll now.
[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Right. Right. And then Trump tweeted back at you and told you to back off.
Theresa May: Yes. But the bitch tagged the wrong Theresa May. It’s internet 101 baby. [Cut to Theresa May] Umm. It’s thrilling to engage in a flame war. To dunk on a thirsty bitch. It’s electric. I am hard. I am actually hard.
[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. This is a whole new Theresa May.
Theresa May: Yes. I’m on a road now, daddy. [Cut to Theresa May] Who else wants to go a few rounds with Theresa Mayweather? Kim Jung-Un? Oh, take this tweet. “Mr. Kim Jung-Uh. Good sir. Do grow up. #Please”
Colin Jost: It’s pretty good.
Theresa May: Talk about getting owned. And hey, Vladimir Putin. Just this. [side eye emoji appears at the bottom of the screen] The side eye emoji. He knows what it means. It’s cold sheet, Colin. He’ll be freaking, I’ll show you, and then I’ll follow it up with a very threatening eggplant.
[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Do you know what that means?
Theresa May: Yes. Eat your vegetables. You hear that? How do you like us now? [Cut to Theresa May] Britain is back, baby! Theresa may be strong and beloved by all. I’m going full Trump and even my own people aren’t safe. Look at this threat I wrote on prince Harry. “Congratulations, Prince Harry, on your upcoming nuptials. (1/4)” “But check it. She outcho league (2/4)” “You look like Ed Sheeran minus the abilities (3/4)” “Nevertheless, would bang (4/4)”
[Cut to Colin Jost and Theresa May]
Colin Jost: Theresa May, everyone!
