Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]
Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.[Catny Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]
Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.
Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?
Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.
Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?
Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”
Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?
Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.” It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.
Michael Che: Wow!
Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?
Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.
Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.
Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.
Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.
Michael Che: A flying foot?
Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.
Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.
Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?
Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.
Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.
Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?
Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!
Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.
Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.
Catny Anne: We’re married.